I LIKE TRADE ASSOCIATIONS AND CORPORATE WEBSITES

ASSOCIATION OF CONVENIENCE STORES

2009-06-11T06:14:00.000-07:00

www.acs.org.uk

The ACS must hate The League Of Gentlemen. What could very possibly have become a popular cause, given widely held concerns about a potential Tescopoly on the high streets, they have instead been bumped down the list on Google by a murderous pair of pig nosed, pig suckling shopkeepers.

Still, the ACS carry on, running a Local Shop Campaigners initiative, where you can get a nice little certificate to put in your shop:

Most of the Advice section seems to be for ACS members only, although you can still access bits of it directly through the site map.

My favourite bits category advice pages. These are all brilliant:

Bread: "Keep a well stocked credible range of bread throughout the day"

Milk: "Give milk the attention it deserves...The milk shopper visits more frequently (four times a week compared to 2.7) and spends more per trip than the average c-store shopper (£7.07 compared to £5.25.)

Biscuits "In an average day, 19 million people consume a Biscuit"

Most of the category advice pages also have planograms that you can download. I LOVE planograms. I have no idea why.

The planogram for magazines is my favourite:

I like the assumption that anyone interested in transport or home entertainment magazines, will probably be quite interested in porn too.

EUROPEAN TISSUE SYMPOSIUM

2009-04-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

www.europeantissue.com

You might think tissues aren't all that important. They're just tissues. But according to the European Tissue Symposium:

One of the most important factors for the development of our modern society is hygiene. Good health and high and improving quality of life is directly related to good hygiene.

And also:

One of the most important products for good hygiene is tissue paper, developed for all kinds of wiping and cleaning.

So therefore, I think it's safe to say that tissue is one of the most important things in the modern world.

But what is tissue? This is tissue. And here's a picture to represent tissue:

If you're interested in the properties of tissues, which you're not, but I am, there's a nice little section on product properties:

The first tissue handkerchiefs were introduced in the 1920, immediately making a genuine contribution to hygiene and cleanliness. The products have been refined over the years, especially for softness and strength, but their basic design has remained constant. Today each person in Western Europe uses about 200 tissue handkerchiefs a year, with a variety of 'alternative' functions including the treatment of minor wounds, the cleaning of face and hands and the cleaning of spectacles.

This study comparing the efficacy of various hand drying methods is quite fascinating (shorter summary available here). It's the sort of thing Nicholson Baker would have produced had he been scientist rather than a novelist. This is what Baker says about hand dryers in The Mezzanine:

Are people truly content to be using the hot-air blower? You hit the mushroom of metal that turns it on and, as the instructions recommend, you Rub Hands Gently under the dry blast. But to dry them even as thoroughly as a single paper towel would dry them in four seconds, you must supplicate under the droning funnel for thirty seconds, much longer than anyone has patience for; inevitably you exit flicking water from your fingers, while the blower continues to heat the room. In case you do decide to stand for the full count, the manufacturer (World Dryer Corporation) has provided a short silk-screened text to read to pass the time. It says:

To Serve you better --- We have installed Pollution-Free Warm Air Hand Dryers to protect you from the hazards of disease which may be transmitted by towel litter. This quick sanitary method dries hands more thoroughly prevents chapping --- and keeps washrooms free of towel waste.

In the corner of this statement, World has printed the small Greek letter that looks like a hamburger in profile, the symbol of the environmental movement. But does the environmental movement have anything to do with the reason why the Wendy's restaurant that I stood in on September 30, 1987 had installed this machine in its men's room? No. Is it, in fact, an efficient, environmentally upright user of the electricity produced by burning fossil fuels? No - there is no off button that would allow you to curtail the thirty-second dry time - you are forced to participate in waste. Does it prevent chapping? Dry air? Is it quick? It is slow. Is it more thorough? It is less thorough. Does it protect us from the hazards of disease? You will catch a cold quicker from the warm metal public dome you press to start the blower than from plucking a sterile piece of paper than no human has ever held from a towel dispenser, clasping it in your very own hands to dry them, and throwing it away. Come to your senses, World! The tone of authority and public-spiritedness that surrounds these falsehoods is outrageous! How can you let your marketing men continue to make claims that sound like the 1890s ads for patent medicines or electroactive copper wrist bracelets that are printed on the formica on the tables at Wendy's? You are selling a hot-air machine that works well and lasts for decades: a simple, possibly justifiable means for the fast-food chains to save money on paper products. Say that or say nothing.

Interestingly, in the two decades since Baker wrote that, the World Dryer Corporation has changed the message on their dryers, now it says:

Dryers help protect the environment. They save trees from being used for paper towels. The eliminate paper towel waste. They are sanitary and help maintain cleaner facilities

I'm not sure if the change represents a wider social change, with environmental concerns now more common, or if people weren't really convinced by the hygeine argument.

Anyway, I think Baker is talking about the World Dryer Corporation Model A series (shown here). This model has since been been updated to the XA series, which starts automatically, thereby removing Baker's objection to touching the "warm metal public dome" to start the dryer.

Also, the performance of electric hand dryers has improved, with the introduction of "jet air dryers". In the study linked to above, jet air dryers perform equally well as paper towels in terms of drying efficiency. They are also more hygenic than standard warm air dryers, by only producing a relatively small increase in bacteria after use (although only paper tissues saw an actual decrease).

Because of the power of jet air dryers, they do however have the potential to spread contaminants further within the washroom environment, so maybe they're not as hygenic as paper towels, but then how hygenic is it if you reach to get a paper towel, brush your fingers on the underside of the dispenser and then discover that it hasn't been refilled, so you have to wipe your hands on your trousers?

And anyway, what difference does any of it really make when you're just going to have to open the door using the same handle that everyone else who didn't bother washing their hands anyway has just used?

AUTOMATIC VENDING ASSOCIATION

2009-04-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

www.ava-vending.co.uk

Slightly odd URL - if AVA stands for Automatic Vending Association, I'm not quite sure where the extra Vending comes from. I don't care too much though because it's vending. I love vending machines.

For me, when I think of vending machines, I think of the machine in the lobby at Cheam Baths. Or rather, I think of the machine that was in the lobby at Cheam Baths when I was about nine or ten years old.

My friends and I would go swimming most weekends, especially when they had the Cheam Scream (an inflatable slide) and the Wobstacle Course (an inflatable wobstacle course). Afterwards, we'd wait in the lobby, my friends would play Double Dragon and I'd get a packet of Wheat Crunchies from the vending machine.

Buying crisps from a vending machine is more exciting than playing any arcade game. Even Double Dragon. The lightweight nature of the crisps, plus the size and shape of the packet, means there's a possibility of snagging on what I now know to be called the "helix coil". A Mars Bar is unlikely to snag, its relatively heavy weight means it drops down cleanly into what I have just decided should be called the collection bay. I consider this possibility to be an added thrill, a sense of danger, of risk. Others are traumatised by the experience. But for every crisp-snagging disaster, there is the joy of finding a vending machine where a packet of crisps has already snagged and as a result, you can double up and get two for the price of one.

It's not just crisps and snacks you can get from vending machines. You can get cold drinks, hot drinks, CDs, DVDs, video games and mobiles, books, umbrellas, shoes, pizzas, memory cards, pies, Bentleys, lobsters, underpants but not used underpants, eggs, coat-hangers, worms and pornography.

Quite a lot of those are from Japan, where according to Wikipedia, there is one vending machine for every twenty-three people. Very impressive. The AVA don't seem so concerned with such esoteric vending items, though, they seem to concentrate more on refreshment vending:

Consumers in Britain annually spend some £1.5 billion through the slots of more than 418,000 refreshment vending machines. Every day, 8 million cups of coffee and 2 million cups of tea are vended.

Almost anything can be automatically vended, but the principal food and drink products are:
Hot and cold beverages
Cold drinks in bottles, cans or cartons
Confectionery and savoury snacks
Sandwiches and snack foods
Cook/chill dishes (for heating in an adjacent microwave)
Plated meals
Ice cream

Pfff, that's boring. "Sandwiches and snack foods", whatever AVA - live lobsters, worms and porn are much better.

You can get water from vending machines. Look, this diagram shows the process water goes though from raincloud to vending machine.

I hope some of the stages have been abbreviated in that diagram, it sort of looks like the rain travels along some pipes until it reaches that bloke's office.

TETRA PAK

2009-04-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

www.tetrapak.com

I like Ruben Rausing. He seems like a cool guy. Studying economics in the 20s and seeing the coming changes in society caused by industrialisation and urbanisation and the problems of feeding a crowded city:

Ruben Rausing started to build up a packaging industry, which considerably contributed to the restructuring of Swedish retailing, a modernisation, which led to self-service, convenience shopping and supermarkets. A primary objective was to replace bulk selling of unpacked goods with consumer adapted packaging for flour, sugar and salt. Another product, which was both perishable and demanded a lot of management, was milk. How could bulk milk and the unpractical glass bottle be replaced?

Rausing's idea, inspired by his wife, was to create a continuous paper cylinder filled with milk which was then sealed, eliminating trapped air and improving shelf life. Think of those sausage machines, where the filling is fed into the casing continuously and sealed at fixed intervals. Think of that, but milky:

The original Tetra Paks were tetrahedral in shape, which I guess is where the name comes from, and looked quite neat:

Now, Tetra Pak offer nine different packaging forms:

Left to right:

Tetra Recart "Beef stew, or macaroni cheese? Now you can pack food you would normally pack in cans or glass jars in the environmentally friendly Tetra Recart"
Tetra Fino Aseptic "The no-nonsense package specially designed to pack all kinds of milk, juice and teas"
Tetra Rex "Probably the world's most popular and widespread carton package"
Tetra Gemina Aseptic "Combines modern, eye-catching looks and a fresh image with the convenience, safety and nutritional benefits of aseptic packaging"
Tetra Wedge Aseptic "A great way for young people to express their personality through what they drink"
Tetra Prisma Aseptic "A premium package that's ideal for high quality fruit juices, flavoured enriched and cultured milks, iced teas and organic products"
Tetra Brik Aseptic "Easy to store, safe and hygenic" (A non-aseptic version for chilled products is also available)
Tetra Top "The package that adds real shelf confidence to your products"
Tetra Classic Aseptic "Stands out from the packaging crowd"

The machines used to process and fill these cartons are very impressive. Look at this:

Who could have imagined a machine as huge as that would be simple enough to be operated by a woman?

I love watching footage of industrial production lines.

The clips here are beautiful too. I especially like the last clip ("Paketering i Tetra, Brik och Pure Pak, ca 1965") with that jolly little background music which about halfway through sounds like it's about to mutate into the instrumental version of (I've Got A) Golden Ticket used over the titles of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Think of that, but milky.

TROPHEX

2009-03-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

www.trophex.com

In a conversation on Twitter the other morning, following my bewilderment at yet again being overlooked for a BAFTA nomination, @mangowe drew my attention to the world of trophy manufacture.

It's surprisingly difficult to find out much about the trophy industry. Not because any conscious secrecy on their part, but just because Googling various combinations of the words "awards" and "manufacturing" and "trophies" and "design" tends just to bring up awards for manufacturing or trophies for design.

There are lots of companies which supply awards, but they're all quite small, and I don't know - don't get me wrong, I'd be pleased to win ANY award - but if I found out my eg Britain's Loveliest Man award had been bought from a company called Better Trophies Better Prices ("If you're looking for better trophies at better prices you've found them!"), I wouldn't be so thrilled.

Anyway, Trophex. You might be thinking "Why should attend?" Well, as the Trophex website explains:

Trophex is the dedicated trophy, award and personalisation exhibition in the UK.

The show is free to attend and there’s free parking.

Well, those are quite convincing reasons.

Looks like news is a bit slow, with the next Trophex show not until January. Reports of the 2009 show sound positive though:

As always Trophex is very well attended and Sunday especially saw a vast number of trophy retailers visit the show. Martin Lakin from Timbertown Trophies in Woodville near Burton-on-Trent has only missed one Trophex in the last 10 years. He regularly visits the show to see the new range of products that are coming out. The show is also a great opportunity to find new areas to expand his business into, 70% of which is in motor racing, so he combines his visit to Trophex with a visit to the Autosport International exhibition which takes place at the NEC Birmingham at the same time.

I recognise this point is slightly weakened by the fact that I've copied and pasted this paragraph, but why would anyone, other than possibly Martin Lakin's wife, be interested in any of that?

Working in the trophy industry means always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. There doesn't appear to be a trophy designer of the year award. There's no trophy manufacturer of the year. I guess this is just because they could never figure out who should design the award. You'd get yourself into one of those strange loops that don't make sense, like the plot of the first Terminator film or something.

I think this is possibly the greatest title for a technical document ever.

YKK

2009-03-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

www.ykkeurope.com

I've often wondered what the letters YKK stand for. You always see it on zips. YKK. "What does that stand for", I've wondered. Well, now I know. It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikikaisha. I think I'll stick with calling them YKK.

YKK don't just make zips. They also make snaps, buttons, adjusters, buckles, ball chains, elastic tapes, cord stoppers, cord ends, hooks, holders and rings. But they're best known for zips. The names of the different types of zips they make are brilliant:

EXCELLA - High-end luxury zipper with individual polished zipper elements.
EVERBRIGHT - Glossed polished zipper elements.
LUMINA - Part of the Excella series. Same finish as standard Excella but utilises aluminium element. Aluminium provides strength as well as being extremely lightweight.
PROSEAL - The water tight and airtight zipper range.
YZIP - The Y Zip is designed specifically for jeans wear. Y- Zip is available in different sizes and finishes.
AQUAGUARD - The water repellent zipper range mainly used for outwear and luggage.
CONCEAL - Invisible (hidden) zipper elements.
FINGUARD - Fins on the zipper element reduce the risk of a slider catching on the garment.
FLATKNIT - The zipper element is knitted directly onto the tape. Flatknit can be used on even thin & stretchy fabrics.
GRADATION- A variety of colour variations are possible by utilising combinations of rainbow coloured sewing thread.
METALLION - The metal coloured coil-plated zipper range.
MINIFA - Size 0. The world’s smallest zipper!
QUICKBURST - The zipper has been designed to open via the QuickBurst elements and close like a normal zipper. Allowing things to burst in and out of the zipper!
VISLON - The plastic element zipper range.
GRAPHIC - Graphic is a concealed zipper which uses jacquard woven tape. Graphic is available for design customisation.
LUMIFINE - Glow-in-the-dark zippers and fastening products.
NATULON - Environmentally friendly zippers made from recycled material.
PRIFA - Ink jet printed zipper tape. Any pattern, colour or logo can be created using computer graphics.
ReEARTH - The environment-conscious zipper made from biodegradable plastic.

They all sound amazing, although I can't help but feel that the exclamation mark at the end of the description ofr the Quickburst zip is slightly inappropriate.

QUICKBURST - The zipper has been designed to open via the QuickBurst elements and close like a normal zipper. Allowing things to burst in and out of the zipper!

That just sounds wrong. I can imagine there are situations where you'd want things to burst out of the zipper, but don't sound so enthusiastic about it.

I like the sound of YKK's founder, Tadao Yoshida. He developed a "cycle of goodness" based on the philosophy that "no-one prospers unless he helps bring prosperity to others":

In the 75 years since Tadao Yoshida founded the company however, it seems this philosophy may have been forgotten. In 2007, YKK were fined €150.3m for running a price fixing cartel and sharing information with other companies.

However, as you can see from the Social and Environmental Report 2008:

The YKK Group seeks to be a corporation that is recognized as "a company that can be trusted," "a truly international company" and "a company with technology for the creation of new value." We will continue to pursue our business activities with these goals. For this reason, as we strengthen our corporate governance systems, we intend to enhance our legal compliance efforts and work to fulfill the responsibilities of a good corporate citizen.

You tell 'em, Tadahiro!

RESIN FLOORING ASSOCIATION

2009-03-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

www.ferfa.org.uk

Why do all these associations insist on cheating with their acronyms? I can see where FeRFA get the RFA from. Resin Flooring Association. But what's the Fe all about? Maybe they're just fans of early Talking Heads. Ferfa ferfa fa ferfa fa fa fa.

It's extraordinary to imagine that FeRFA is the only organisation dedicated to resin flooring. You'd think there'd be dozens. Considering their unique status, they must get lots of people taking them up on their offer of of "free advice on all aspects of Resin Flooring, including specification and problem solving", so it's understandable that to try to improve service, they'd have a Frequently Asked Questions page.

I wonder how frequently they're asked some of these questions.

Q4. I have just had a PU screed installed and noticed that the flint aggregate is becoming more visible.

Just how many people are installing PU screeds and noticing that the flint aggregate is becoming more noticeable and then contacting FeRFA for advice? That seems like quite a specific question. Much more so than "Do I need a primer?".

If you are planning to install a resin floor, FeRFA provide a simple guide to the different types available and how suitable each type is for differing levels of usage. Floor seal seems RUBBISH. Even with just light duty usage, it only lasts 1-2 years, it's liable to impact damage, osmosis may occur, it's not that easy to clean, it's not suitable for food processing areas, it's easy to slip on and looks like it creates a bit of static. Fuck floor seal, it's an idiot.

Some of the floors on the gallery pages look lovely though. Like this from Ryebrook Resin:

I also like this all-in-one, wrapped wall/floor effect from Altro:

I hope the ceiling has the same finish too. That mirror frame looks a bit out of place though.

And there's something deeply beautiful about this picture:

THE GROCER

2009-03-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

www.thegrocer.co.uk

Oh my. I think I'm addicted. Seriously. Every week for the last two months or so, I've bought The Grocer. I can't explain why. It makes no sense. It's a trade magazine for food and drink retailers, I work for a DVD distribution company. I should be reading Media Week, or Broadcast, or something like that. Not this. But if I see a headline like "AS MANY AS 50% OF ASDA'S 5,000 NEW ROLLBACKS OFFER JUST A 1p SAVING" or "WHY APPLE PRICES ARE DOWN 20% YEAR-ON-YEAR", sorry, but I've got to buy that magazine.

The current issue is especially good. They do special pull-out guides once a month I guess (the last one was about hot beverages). In this issue, there's a guide to confectionery. It's got Mr T on the front. Mr T says:

Listen up suckers, did you know:
MARS is the No.1 manufacturer in sales of 'hunger' lines with 59% value share
The hunger category is big and growing
'Hunger' is the 2nd largest needstate with sales of over £250m
Multifacings of the best sellers (eg Mars, Snickers, Twix) will deliver more sales than 1 facing of a slower seller

I didn't know any of that, Mr T. Well, possibly the last one.

To be honest, I never realised how knowledgable Mr T was when it comes to this sort of thing. You've got to admire the way he has all these figures at his bejwelled fingertips.

The Grocer's Guide To Confectionery contains what is without doubt the clunkiest, clumsiest, most desperate, most awkward linking paragraph I have ever read in my life. Let me set the scene. Talking about Nestlé's advertising proposals for the coming year, journalist David Burrows then seeks a way to link that to the new Mikado product recently launched in the UK by Kraft. This is how he does it:

It's been another impressive year for KitKat with sales up over 30% to £94m. Buyers suggest Nestlé has "got its house in order" with the brand now, having improved the focus. The launch of KitKat Senses, fronted by the Girls Aloud babes, has also given the brand that Something Kinda Oooooh.

Britain's most popular girl brand was, of course, discovered on TV show "Popstars: The Rivals". And now, "their biscuit" could have a rival, of sorts, on the confectionery shelves with Kraft foods having just launched a "unique chocolate biscuit snack specifically designed for on-the-go customers".

Christ. I'm not claiming the rubbish I write on this bloody blog is any better, but, you know, I'm doing this for free. Fuck knows why.

The same article also contains sentence which, well, I wouldn't want to suggest it's a deliberate lie, so maybe it's better just to say it demonstrates a slightly absurd overconfidence in the accuracy of their figures:

Nestlé has promised £7m to its Aero brand and treble that for KitKat. In fact, shoppers are unlikely to have a break from advertising for the iconic brand with the series of "Perfect Break" ads set to be seen by 99.9% of the target audience 53 times in 2009.

How on earth can it be possible to make a statement with that degree of accuracy?

And then, within this very same article, there's a spectacularly inane comment from Craig Barker, sales director at Ferrero:

Boxed chocolate remains a strong category despite tough economic times. The amount of disposable income may diminish, but key gifting occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's and Easter will continue, as will the propensity of the consumer to gift at these key times.

Brilliant. He's basically saying "there are still times when people will give chocolates to other people as presents and at these times when people will give chocolates to other people as presents, they will give chocolates as presents". Thanks for that, Craig.

Anyway, despite all this, and even only looking at the confectionery guide, I like learning all the specialist phrases used in industries like this. The "hunger" "needstate". "Multi-facings". "Impulse sub-section". "Pouch format". "Large-block"

Possibly The Grocer doesn't really qualify for this blog. It's a trade magazine, not a trade association, and their website doesn't offer much more than the print version so it's not like I'm concentrating on that either. But, so what? It's my blog. I can write what I want.

SCENTAIR

2009-02-27T14:01:00.000-08:00

http://www.scentair.com/index.html

I can't remember how I heard about Scentair. Someone must have written about it somewhere, I doubt I would have just googled "scent marketing" or "fragrance systems" or "aroma diffusion" because I have no idea what those things are. They sound quite good though.

Irritatingly for me, because of the way their website is built, I can't copy and paste huge chunks of text from the Scentair site as I would normally do at this point. I'd guess there aren't a huge amount of people who would want to copy and paste huge chunks of text from the Scentair websites to their pointless blogs, so it's probably not a major inconvenience on a global scale, but it's a bit annoying for me. It means I have to type stuff. I hate typing stuff. So, if I have to type particularly long paragraphs of text from the Scentair website, I might be forced to insert swear words into the text. Sorry about that.

Anyway, according to their About Us section:

Scentair is the global leader of scent marketing solutions. Our patented systems help enhance environments, communicate brands and create memorable experiences. We give our clients the tools to sculpt their own unique environment, completing their customers' experience by engaging memory and emotions through the sense of smell. Tits.

I added that last word.

Anyway, basically, what they do is they install industrial scale Ambi-pur plug ins. But instead of just rubbish old "soft linen" or "aromatic wood", Scentair offer a much more impressive selection of fragrances:

Fresh
Ocean
Fresh Air
Fresh linen
South Sea Island
Island Breeze
Ocean Mist
Sagebrush
Innocent
Vanilla Grapefruit
Lemon Balm
Fresh Outdoors
Coconut Beach
Lavender Vanilla

OK, yeah. They all sound nice. "Fresh Outdoors", "Vanilla Grapefruit", "Ocean Mist". Lovely.

Environmental
Orange Blossom
Juniper Aloe
Herbal Mist
Green Tea & Lemongrass
Ocean
Tobacco Shop
Siberian Fir
Leather
French Vanilla
Redwood Forest
Sagebrush
Evergreen Forest

Again, they seem nice. "Orange Blossom", "Green Tea & Lemongrass", "French Vanilla". Mmmm.

Floral
Jasmine
Roses
Wildflower
Lavender
White Gardenia
Lilacs
Honeysuckle
Mimosa
Rose Garden
Herbal Mist
Summer Blossoms
Autumn Mums
Fragrant Magnolia

"Autumn Mums"? That doesn't sound very nice.

Food & Drink
Birthday Cake
Sugar Cookie
Chocolate Chip Cookie
Gingerbread
Glazed donut
Waffle Cone
Cinnamon Buns
Hot Apple Pie
Cinnamon,
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie
French Bread
Fresh Brewed Coffee
Spiced Apple Cider
Hot Chocolate
Pink Lemonade
Mochaccino
Peppermint

OK, that sounds better. None of that "Autumn Mums" nonsense. I like how specific they're able to be as well. Birthday cake, not any other type of cake. Three different types of cookies. Don't cookies, and indeed most biscuits, smell more or less the same?

Holiday
Peppermint
Spiced Apple Cider
Chocolate
Gingerbread
Dark Chocolate
Holiday Nights
Winter Blue
Ice Show
Evergreen Forest
Noel

Oh god, I hope they mean Noël as in "the first Noël/the angels did say". I don't want to imagine what this smells like. Now SMELL THIS, Wealdon District Council.

Simulation
Engine Exhaust
Dinosaur Breath
Gunpowder
Musty
Earth
Fresh Cut Grass
Sulfurous Volcano
Burning Rubber
Diesel Exhaust
Oily Machinery
Dinosaur Dung
Skunk
Wood Fire

They've just run out of ideas now, haven't they? "Musty"? Why would you want something to smell musty? And "Dinosaur Breath" I could just about accept, though how anyone knows what it smells like, I have no idea. I'd imagine dinosaurs have quite nice breath. Clifford managed to pull and he was a dragon, so surely a dinosaur's breath would be similar but just less smoky? Anyway, as I say, maybe I can accept "Dinosaur Breath", but surely, no-one wants to experience the smell of "Dinosaur Dung". Or "Skunk" for that matter. Skunks are only famous for one thing and that's for being proper stinkers. No-one wants that.

THE ERGONOMICS SOCIETY

2009-02-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

http://www.ergonomics.org.uk/

Probably the most interesting subject I did at school was Design Technology. Not actually making stuff, although I kind of enjoyed that (and still do in fact) but design theory - history of the teapot type stuff.

It was partly due to my teacher I guess, who as you can see here scored an excellent five out of five on RateMyTeachers.com. He was an odd man, the sort of person who would be described anachronistically as a confirmed bachelor. Anyway, I quite liked his quiet manner, his obsession with neatness, his carefully ordered stationery cupboard. One thing about him I had completely forgotten about until I typed that last sentence was when we did technical drawing, we used these trays which had all the equipment we needed - set squares, protractors, rulers, differently graded pencils etc etc etc. At the end of each class, he insisted every put the equipment back in the trays in exactly the same way, the ruler had to go on one particular side, the set square on the other, the eraser in one corner. "I want it A1 tidy" he'd say, which I don't even think is a proper phrase, but he'd say it anyway.

Anyway, one thing which I particularly found interesting was ergonomics. Visual displays, information design, anthropometry, motion studies. I liked learning about the 5th and 95th percentiles:

First, notice that the graph is symmetrical – so that 50% of people are of average height or taller, and 50% are of average height or smaller. The graph tails off to either end, because fewer people are extremely tall or very short. To the left of the average, there is a point known as the 5th percentile, because 5% of the people (or 1 person in 20) is shorter than this particular height. The same distance to the right is a point known as the 95th percentile, where only 1 person in 20 is taller than this height.

Usually, you will find that if you pick the right percentile, 95% of people will be able to use your design. For instance, if you were choosing a door height, you would choose the dimension of people's height (often called 'stature' in anthropometry tables) and pick the 95th percentile value – in other words, you would design for the taller people. You wouldn't need to worry about the average height people, or the 5th percentile ones – they would be able to fit through the door anyway.

There's something kind of comforting about the idea that there's a whole industry dedicated to making sure that most of the time, most people find things easy to use, comfortable to use. It's like someone's taking care of us. And they're doing it with some numbers and a graph.

I think I also like ergonomics because it's one of those crossroad areas of study. It's a bit of maths, a bit of physiology, a bit of psychology, a bit of engineering, a bit of sociology. Also, it's quite boring, which appeals to me. Plus, of course, images like this are clearly just fantastic:

Brilliant.

I'd quite like to go to this:

Must have been Designed by a Man!
21 April 2009, London
A 'breakfast meeting' will be hosted by CCD Design & Ergonomics Ltd. The theme will be "Everyday items exhibiting 'good' and 'bad' ergonomics". Presentations will be centred on familiar and unknown examples of everyday objects and their ergonomic qualities. We hope to answer questions such as: 'how well have these items succeeded in the market place?' and 'has ergonomics affected this success or failure?'

Although, well, it would probably be a bit weird if I went. It would be loads of ergonomics professionals and maybe a few students or whatever and maybe some engineers and designers, people like that. And me.

BRITISH EGG INFORMATION SERVICE

2009-02-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.britegg.co.uk/

For over thirty years, health organisations have warned that people should limit the number of eggs they eat to only three week . However, this limit has now been lifted! As Professor Bruce Griffin, Professor of Nutritional Metabolism from the University of Surrey, says "The UK public do not need to be limiting the number of eggs they eat" Fantastic news! Eggs all round! Let's party! These eggs certainly seem pleased by the news.

I'm sure that following this great news, you are, like me, now planning an all egg diet. If so, you'd probably want some ideas for recipes. The British Egg Information Service has lots of recipes. They've also got a Youtube channel.
This is how to boil an egg:

That's fairly straightforward. I think most people agree on how to boil an egg, though I suppose there's a bit of debate over whether you should put the egg in cold water and bring to the boil or boil the water first and then add the egg. That's nothing compared with the number of different ways to poach an egg. This is the British Egg Information Service's method. She uses the rolling boil/egg in a cup method. Gordon Ramsay has a similar method but uses a whisk to "gain some momentum in the water". He also plunges his cooked egg into iced water. Isn't it a bit gross the way he holds the poached egg at the end? I keep thinking he's going to squeeze it and spray egg yolk all over his craggy, antique oak face. It seems wrong holding a poached egg like that. Rob Manuel from B3TA tested various egg poaching methods and having tried the clingfilm method, I agree with his findings.

But what if you're just too lazy to boil or poach an egg and don't really fancy Bowie-in-Berlin style raw eggs? Thankfully, the British Egg Products Association are on hand.

Egg products are used as ingredients by food manufacturers and caterers to save time, money and hassle, without neglecting quality or food safety responsibilities. There are an incredible amount of egg products available on the market today, if you can think of a way for egg to be sold then it probably exists. Eggs are available in liquid, frozen and dried forms. Also available are "value added" egg products such as boiled eggs, scotch eggs, fried eggs and omelettes and ready-to-use scrambled eggs and sandwich fillings.

Ready made fried eggs! Brilliant!

Unfortunately, egg products seem to be mainly aimed at food manufacturers and caterers rather than the end consumer and so aren't available in supermarkets. Although Sainsburys sell packs of shelled hard boiled eggs for just £1.99 for four. That's handy, because I'm sure there must have been lots of times in the past when you've been out and about, doing the shopping or going to meet friends or whatever and you fancied eating four hard boiled eggs, but couldn't so you just had to starve. Well, no longer! And you can wash it all down with a lovely carton of egg white from Eggnation.

I wrote all that without making a single egg pun.

CLOWNS INTERNATIONAL

2009-02-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

www.clowns-international.co.uk

When I was about ten, I stayed a friend's house and watched a film called Clownhouse. We got it from the local video shop, Take One Video it was called. It closed down probably about ten years ago and has since been replaced by the One Stop Party Shop. Considering the shop no longer exists, it really is of no benefit to me to be able to remember that our membership number was 9133. Take One Video had a wonderful system where they would let young children rent 15 or 18 certificate films if they could provide a note from their parents saying it was OK. I say "from their parents", although obviously the kids just wrote the notes themselves.

So, we were ten years old. We had a fake note allowing us to watch ANY film in the whole of Take One Video. We chose Clownhouse.

It's about three psychopaths who escape from the local mental institution and disguise themselves as clowns and stalk three teenage brothers who have been left alone for the weekend by their parents. Every slasher movie box is ticked there, well done. One possible improvement would have been to have teenage girls rather than young boys, although I now understand why director Victor Salva chose young male protagonists.

We stayed up very late and turned off all the lights and put the film on. At one particularly scary moment, I I carefully slid off my chair and crawled over behind where my friend was sitting and jumped out just when the spooky music told me too. It was very funny.

The point of all this is to address the myth that clowns are scary. Clowns aren't scary. It's just escaped psychopaths disguised as clowns that are scary. They weren't really clowns, they were just disguised as clowns. Just like Pennywise isn't really a clown, he's just a demonic being in the form of a clown. And John Wayne Gacy wasn't really a clown. He just used to dress up like a clown to befriend young boys he would later sexually abuse, brutally murder and bury under his house.

I quite like the idea of hiring a clown. I'm not sure what I'd do with a clown, but maybe it would be good to have one for a few hours and then just go around doing normal stuff like going to the supermarket or whatever, but with a clown. I don't think I'd want the clown to do much, I find clown acts a bit annoying, but I like the idea of hanging around with a clown. Maybe just sitting in a pub for a couple of hours on a Sunday, reading the paper. Me and my clown.

I like that the Clowns International website tells you who else is online:

The Clowns International magazine is called The Joey.

NAME BASE

2009-02-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

www.namebase.com

It's a well known fact that some words, which sound innocuous in one language, sound funny in another. In the olden days, families used to sit around their television sets and weep with laughter as Esther Rantzen informed them that somewhere in the world, someone was eating Plopp. If Esther Rantzen did that joke now, I bet Mark Oaten's wife wouldn't find it very funny.

Lists like this are common all over the internet, and our fascination with amusing product names continues. Having said that, whilst the invention of the internet has helped feed our obsession, it has also no doubt contributed to killing off those brand names at the source.

In a global economy, a connected world, no-one wanting to launch a new product would risk becoming a laughing stock because of an ill considered name - though some, due to sheer corporate force combined with actually being a pretty decent product, manage to slip through.

That's where Namebase come in. They find names for new products. Sometimes they make up new words, or attack old ones. And, not only do they ensure your new name is free of negative connotations, they also seek positive associations and ease of pronunciation in major languages of business to make your name globally effective.

Namebase believes that your name is the base upon which you build your brand. That's why they're called Namebase. Because your name is the base upon which you build your brand. Namebase.

Their list of clients is quite impressive. Proctor & Gamble, Bic, Coca-Cola, IBM, Shell, Suzuki, Tropicana.

I can't help but feel they tried a bit harder for Coca-Cola than they did for Tropicana:

The Challenge:
Snapple was enjoying great success in the single-serve beverage category. Coca-Cola, with deeper distribution channels, saw an opportunity to take on Snapple and capture some market share. They had the formulation; all they needed was a name snappier than "Snapple"
Success:
FRUITOPIA was born. The coined word was wildly appealing to a young demographic, and Fruitopia went on to become a great international success for Coke.

OK, "Fruitopia". I've heard of that. It's memorable. Slightly annoying, but memorable.

The Challenge:
Tropicana Smoothie sales were sagging under the weight of an apparent disconnect between the Tropicana brand and dairy products. They needed a new name that would communicate the new non-dairy recipe.
The success:
In many cases, consumer packaged goods get only one chance to speak to the customer: from the shelf. Consumers must know immediately what the product is and why they should pick it up. Namebase took the "moo" out of smoothie! We helped Tropicana explore evocative and fanciful names. We thought the best solution was just to say what it is: Tropicana FRUIT SMOOTHIES. Through the use of a Namebase-inspired package design and a descriptive name, Tropicana is back in the smoothie business, stronger than ever?

"Fruit Smoothie"? That's rubbish. Surely the idiots at Tropicana could have come up with that themselves.

Namebase have developed some new pizza names for Domino's Pizza, although they haven't listed them on their website yet. That's got to be the best job in the world. "Hmmm, I think I need to try that one again. Still can't quite find the right name. Can you get another couple of slices? And maybe some potato wedges. And some Häagen-Dazs."

Though, no matter how carefully you check to make sure there are no negative connotations associated with the name you choose, there's no guarantee that will always be true:

Although it's quite unlikely there'd ever be a disease called FRUITOPIA.

PIZZA PASTA AND ITALIAN FOOD ASSOCIATION

2009-02-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.papa.org.uk/

Welcome to papa.org.uk home of the Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association (PAPA).

Hold on. How did they get to PAPA? Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association - shouldn't that be PPIFA? Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association, surely. PPIFA. Not Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association.

The Pizza, Pasta & Italian Food Association (PAPA) was originally formed in 1977 as the Pizza Association, but changed its name to include pasta and Italian foods in the late 1980s. Today the association is the only formal trade body in the UK representing the broad pizza, pasta and Italian food and drink industry

OK, I can accept the Pizza Association calling itself PA. That's fine. Pizza Association. No problem. But if you then stick "Pasta and Italian Food" in between "Pizza" and "Association", you need to put PIF between the P and A. You can't just add another PA on the end. It doesn't work like that.

Anyway, unfortunately, lots of the links in the information centre are only available to PPIFA members. I'd be interested to read the code of practice for home delivery operators and drivers. Non-PPIFA members at least can read the fun pizza facts:

American Pizza Consumption
Americans eat approximately 100 acres of pizza EACH DAY, or about 350 slices per second. Each individual consumes about 23 lbs., or 46 slices, each year. Around 350 pizza slices are wolfed down across the States each second.

Apparently, each second, Americans eat around 350 slices of pizza. Around 350 slices of pizza are eaten by Americans every second.

Favourite Toppings
Americans prefer meat toppings to veggie toppings by a ratio of 62 to 100. Women order twice as many vegetable toppings than men.
America's favourite topping is pepperoni. 36 per cent of all pizza customers want their pizzas topped with pepperoni. US citizens consume around 251,770,000 pounds of pepperonis every year.

Least Favourite
The least favourite pizza topping is anchovies.

I like pepperoni and I like anchovies. I straddle the pizza divide. If there were more people like me, there'd be no war.

There's more to Italian food than just pizza though. The country is famous for its food. Thankfully, the PPIFA have a recipe page, so you can make some tasty traditional Italian food at home. Unfortunately, there's only one recipe so far. For a pizza omelette, which is an omelette with some pizza toppings:

Classic Toppings
Farmhouse - ham and mushroom. Hawaiian - ham and pineapple.
Vegetarian - green peppers, red onion, tomato, pineapple, mushroom and sweetcorn. Or something a bit more special
Meat feast - pepperoni, chicken, spicy beef, spicy pork and Cajun chicken.
Capricciosa - ham, roasted peppers, white anchovies, capers and olives.
Florentina – goat’s cheese, spinach and olives.

Is "meat feast" really a classic Italian pizza topping?

STAEDTLER

2009-02-10T05:17:00.000-08:00

www.staedtler.co.uk

A while ago, bored at work, I decided to amuse myself by writing reviews of items of stationery on Amazon.

Of the Staedtler Mars Plastic Eraser, I wrote:

Whilst Staedtler might be going a bit far claiming that the Mars Plastic is "self cleaning", it does do a remarkably good job of removing pencil marks without smudging, leaving the page as good as new. This is the eraser I always come back to. The size is perfect too, and the plastic rubber material is strong and resists crumbling or cracking.

Of the Staedtler 110 Tradition HB Pencil, I wrote:

This is a classic of pencil design. The red and black stripes of the Staedtler 110 Tradition range are bold and eye-catching, whilst still remaining smarter and more elegant than the rather garish yellow and black of the Noris range. The Tradition also has a full 12 degrees, from 6B through to 4H, compared with the narrower range offered by the Noris (only 2B to 2H). I love this pencil.

And I wrote this about the Staedtler Stick 430M:

The Staedtler 430 Stick Ball Pen is perhaps the only ballpoint capable of rivalling the world famous Bic Cristal. The Staedtler produces a good, clean line, and the design is pleasing - the strong outline of the cap is a fine example of German design. Unfortunately, it will forever remain in Bic's shadow, nonetheless, this is a fine pen.

Whilst I still agree that the Stick 430M will forever remain in the shadow of the Bic Cristal (a true icon), I personally prefer the Staedtler. Just look at that beautiful, stark design; those clean lines; that simple silhouette:

Staedtler was founded in Germany in 1835. They have a long and proud history of making pens and pencils. There's a timeline of key events on their website. In 1834, for instance, "J. S. Staedtler invents coloured oil pastel pencils which 'can be sharpened to a point just like a pencil'". In 1900, the Mars brand is registered at the imperial patent office in Berlin, with the Norris brand following a year later. In 1937, the Staedtler range is extended to include mechanical writing instruments. Oddly enough, nothing much seems to happen for the next few years, until they begin to produce ballpoint pens in the late 1940s.

This video is good:

Is that how you pronounce "graphite"? I always thought it was "graf-ite" rather than "graf-it". Do you pronounce "chip-ite" in the same way? Chipit. I'd quite like a job testing pencils (from about 2:20 in the video). Sitting with a big pile of plain A4 and a box of pencils, scribbling. I could do that. Given sufficient training.

There are more videos on the Pencil Facts website, but the guy on these videos has an Australian accent rather than that weird German robot voice. You can also send off for a free poster, if you want.

POTATO COUNCIL

2009-02-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

www.potato.org.uk
www.britishpotatoes.co.uk
www.potatoesforcaterers.co.uk
www.potatoesforschools.org.uk
www.lovechips.co.uk
www.potatoposters.co.uk

One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato. Six potato websites. The Potato Council have got six different websites. Six official potato websites.

In the current issue of The Grocer, there's a story with the headline POTATO INDUSTRY 'MUST PULL IN YOUNG PEOPLE' based on a report, due to be published by the Potato Council next month, called "Potatoes - A Choice For Life". Apparently, younger consumers are turning to rice and pasta, rather than potatoes, as their main source of carbohydrate:

Consumption under-indexed significantly among younger age groups and was highest among the retired, according to the report. Only 63% of individuals in the "pre-family" demographic ate potatoes as their carbohydrate of choice, compared with 21% for pasta and 16% for rice. However, 86% of the retired consumed potatoes as their carbohydrate of choice.

I didn't know everyone was meant to have a carbohydrate of choice. Do you have to have one? I guess mine would be potatoes, but I don't know, now I feel pressured. What if I choose the wrong carbohydrate of choice? If I pick potatoes, what does that say about me? I'm in the pre-family demographic, does choosing potatoes make me uncool? Pasta and rice seem edgier choices.

According to the Potato Council, "time, convenience and money" are the reasons people are choosing rice and pasta instead of potatoes. As Kathryn Race of the Potato Council explains, “for generations, family meals have included potato favourites such as Shepherd’s Pie and fishcakes. But our research reveals that the younger generation are now unable to make a meal using one of the most important staples – the potato, without being shown how":

When asked which they would know how to cook from scratch:
only 65 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 65 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 67 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook roast potatoes

just 66 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 69 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 66 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook jacket potatoes

What? How can anyone not know how to cook a jacket potato? Isn't the recipe just "put potato in oven"?

When asked which dishes they would know how to cook from scratch without help/guidance:
only 17 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 25 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 22 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook fishcakes

just 14 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 22 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 20 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Potato Gratin/Bake

just 22 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 24 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 28 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Leek and Potato Soup

just 38 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 46 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 48 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Shepherd’s Pie.

I'm not entirely sure if I could make all those dishes without any help or guidance. I could probably produce something which would be edible, but I wouldn't be entirely sure of quantities and cooking times. But why do you need to be able to cook leek and potato soup without any help or guidance? Google exists. BBC Recipe Search exists. There's no shame in checking how to make something if you've never made it before. And I doubt I'd ever make fishcakes from scratch anyway. To make fishcakes, the first stage is to make mash and if I've made mash, I'd probably just eat the mash. Leave me alone, Potato Council. I'm happy to eat mash. Isn't that enough for you?

I love mash. Mash is one of the best things you can make with potatoes. Chips are good too. I lovechips. How many people do you think the Potato Council approached to front their Love Chips campaign before finally admitting defeat and asking Keith Chegwin?

This is just mental:

Fennell19900's comment is a bit harsh:

This really isnt catching on the way he hoped would boost his career. Probly cos the song is SHIT

Harsh but fair.

LIFT AND ESCALATOR INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION

2009-02-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

www.leia.co.uk

I got stuck in a lift once when I used to work at the BBC. Stephen Fry wasn't stuck in the lift with me so it didn't get any media coverage. There was a heavily pregnant woman in the lift though. Beat that, Fry. Because I was standing next to the little red emergency telephone, I was given the responsibility of phoning the security guard. "Don't panic," he said, "just stay where you are". The security guard phoned the engineers and when they arrived, we could hear them outside, dropping their spanners and mumbling "oh blimey" and "I think we need to phone the fire brigade". After about three quarters of an hour, they managed to get us out. I went back to my desk. No-one had noticed I'd been missing.

45 minutes isn't too bad, especially because the reason I was in the lift in the first place was because I'd just been downstairs to get a cup of tea and a Cadbury Twirl, so I had supplies. This fantastic article from the New Yorker tells the story of Nicholas White who was stuck in an elevator in the McGraw-Hill Building in New York for forty-one hours.

This is the security footage of those forty-one hours condensed into three minutes:

He looks like a fly, buzzing around in that little box. It's horrible.

Nick Paumgarten's article in the New Yorker is an astonishing piece of writing. I especially like this section on proxemics:

Passengers seem to know instinctively how to arrange themselves in an elevator. Two strangers will gravitate to the back corners, a third will stand by the door, at an isosceles remove, until a fourth comes in, at which point passengers three and four will spread toward the front corners, making room, in the center, for a fifth, and so on, like the dots on a die. With each additional passenger, the bodies shift, slotting into the open spaces. The goal, of course, is to maintain (but not too conspicuously) maximum distance and to counteract unwanted intimacies—a code familiar (to half the population) from the urinal bank and (to them and all the rest) from the subway. One should face front. Look up, down, or, if you must, straight ahead. Mirrors compound the unease. Generally, no one should speak a word to anyone else in an elevator. Most people make allowances for the continuation of generic small talk already under way, or, in residential buildings, for neighborly amenities. The orthodox enforcers of silence—the elevator Quakers—must suffer the moderates or the serial abusers, as they cram in exchanges about the night, the game, the weekend, or the meal.

I love lifts. I don't really know why. Maybe because as a kid I used to imagine that it was the lift which stayed still and the rest of the building moved. They seem a bit magical. This little room you enter, the doors close, a few seconds later they reopen and you're somewhere else! It's amazing! Maybe I'll go to Liftex2010, "the only exhibition for manufacturers of lifts, escalators, components and service companies in the UK". It sounds amazing, but it's more than a year away, can I wait that long? The Elevator World calendar is pretty full though, so I guess I can go to one of those events instead.

Paumgarten's article doesn't mention one of the most controversial issues in the world of elevators - the issue of door dwell. Door dwell is the amount of time it takes for the doors of an elevator to close after the passengers have boarded. Door dwell is typically set at between two to five seconds - or to be needlessly specific, two to three seconds for a boarding call, and three to five seconds for a landing call (the extra time allows for the fact that people may also board during a landing call). The "door close" button on a lift is designed to cancel any remaining dwell time and close the doors (hence the name), however, some believe the door close button is nothing more than a placebo, put there just to give impatient people something to do while they wait. James Gleick, who devoted a whole chapter to elevators in his book Faster, says:

Although elevators with all their functions ready to work, the manufacturers realise that building managers often choose to disable DOOR CLOSE. Buildings fear trapped limbs and lawsuits. Thus they turn their resident populations into subjects in a Pavlovian experiment in negative feedback.

So whether or not the door close button works all depends on how paranoid and dishonest your building manager is. Apparently, in Japan, the paint on the door close buttons gets worn off really quickly, I guess because Japanese building managers are confident and honest, and Japanese people are bad tempered and impatient. Incidentally, the Japanese for "door close" is "door crose". That's not really true but it is slightly racist.

Gleick also quotes from a report called Human Behaviour and Perception in Elevators by something called Spivack Associates:

The long silences, the almost library hush, that we can observe where people wait for elevators are not only what they seem. The longer the silence the more likely one of us will become embarrassed, the more embarrassing and tense are the little interior dramas that we play out each within our own theatre of projection

The actual period of waiting that elapses before a particular group may feel that waiting has become a nearly unendurable torment will probably vary significantly with the composition of the group, the time of day, and the type of building in which they are travelling. The wait is hardly ever long, however much the subjective experience may stretch it out.

I can't find this bastard report anywhere, it sounds brilliant, like a straight version of Seinfeld. I've found Mayer Spivack, but I can't find the report itself. Why isn't everything online by now? Come on Google, sort it out.

This book looks good.

I like this website too. Though I agree with obm's comment, the site does slightly overplay the imagined disrespect of pointless multiple button pushes, well observed, obm.

How brilliant to build an elevator which can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways and squareways and frontways and any other ways that you can think of, and has a special button that when pressed, even the person who invented it doesn't know quite what will happen, except that it causes the elevator to crash through the roof of the building, "probably" resulting in the passengers being cut to ribbons.

I haven't really mentioned the LEIA much, have I?

UK TEA COUNCIL

2009-02-05T03:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.tea.co.uk/

I like tea. Everyone likes tea, surely? The Google results speak for themselves:

"I love tea" - 134,000 results
"I like tea" - 69,800 results
"I am largely indifferent to tea" - 0 results
"I don't like tea" - 23,100 results
"I hate tea" - 13,300 results

Google results checked at 13.22, 05/02/2009

Proven by science. Not only is the group of people who love tea by far the biggest of all the groups, but even amongst those who feel negatively towards tea, more people merely "don't like" it rather than actively "hate" it.

www.tea.co.uk. The UK Tea Council did well with the URL there. Even better than the British Sandwich Association.

Tea. Tea, tea, tea. The front page of the UK Tea Council website uses the word "tea" forty one times:

That's a lot. Especially when you realise they only use the word "the" twenty times:

The conduplicating text almost removes all meaning from the word "tea" turning it into nothing more than an echolalic tic. Tea. TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA. Tea.

Tea Facts! Tea FAQs!

96% of all cups of tea drunk daily in the UK are brewed from tea bags!
98% of people take their tea with milk, but only 30% take sugar in tea!
The British drink 165 million cup of tea a day! 60.2 billion per year!

Cor, the tea bag was invented by accident!

In around 1908, Thomas Sullivan, a New York tea merchant, started to send samples of tea to his customers in small silken bags. Some assumed that these were supposed to be used in the same way as the metal infusers, by putting the entire bag into the pot, rather than emptying out the contents.

Excellent, well done confused American customers of Thomas Sullivan in around 1908!

If you want to learn more about tea, there's a one-day masterclass which is only £175 (book here). Or you can spend hours looking at the UK Tea Council website for free.

The UK Tea Council website is a little bit insane. There are tea related games, a spinning tea pot thing you can use to decide whose turn it is to make the tea and a chart you can download to keep note of how colleagues take their tea. They also got Dr Rebecca Newton from the London School of Economics to analyse how people hold their tea cups and identify six different personality types. I suspect the UK Tea Council is the greatest place to work in the world. Everyone must just sit around all day, drinking tea and thinking of idiotic tea-related gimmicks. They haven't done tea-shirts yet though. Maybe I'll suggest it to them and they'll give me a job, or at invite me round for a cup of tea.

CIS STREET FURNITURE

2009-02-04T02:54:00.000-08:00

www.cis-streetfurniture.co.uk/

Exciting. This is the first website I'm going to write about which isn't for a trade association. Oh yeah, it's not all trade associations round here, you know. There's much more going on.

CIS have quite a simple website. They don't need anything complicated, they're happy to let their products speak for themselves. And what wonderful products! While it's true that most people have probably never heard of CIS, everyone who has ever stepped foot outside must be familiar with their products. 126 different combinations of tree grilles! 50 permutations of railings! 40 litter bins! And over 200 different combinations of bollard designs!

The products made by CIS are so ubiquitous they become invisible. It's hard to imagine anyone designing these things, factories manufacturing them, people installing them. Actual humans are involved in every stage of this, but you sort of think these things just appear from nowhere. Actually, you don't even think they appear, they seem to have always been there.

I mean, look at this:

That just looks like a bench. You'd walk past it and not give it a second's thought. You wouldn't even notice it, wouldn't even see it.

Actually, it's a type 583 bench. The iroko hardwood timber is sourced from responsibily managed forests and is treated prior to delivery with two coats of Sikkens HLSO wood preservative. The ends are solid cast iron and are also available with armrests.

That paragraph should have been read in the voice of Dervla Kirwan.

I wish I had an enormous computer brain and I could memorise all the catalogue numbers and specifications for all this stuff. I'd walk down the road identifying things. It would be great.

"That's a 187SS-D cycle rack"

"That's a type 1006 cast iron square tree grille"

"That looks like an SO 120 HT steel litter bin, in green"

OK, so no-one would talk to me, but who needs friends when you can identify products from the CIS street furniture range? At least street furniture isn't fickle and doesn't talk about you behind your back.

BRITISH TOILET ASSOCIATION

2009-02-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

www.britloos.co.uk

Pity the poor public toilet. Often characterised as seedy, filthy places frequented by junkies and Stedman Pearson from Five Star. Even those people using public toilets for legitimate reasons are going to the toilet in them. The public toilet needs a voice. Thankfully, the British Toilet Association is here, "campaigning for better public toilets for all" and acting as "the catalyst for change in the pursuit of standards of excellence in all areas of public toilet provision and management".

Were Britain's public toilets really once the envy of the world? When was that? Whose public toilets are the envy of the world now? Google isn't much help.

Membership of the BTA is open to everyone, from local authorities and commercial organisations to individuals. So, if you are really obsessed with toilets and you've got £46 to spare, why not fill out this form and become a member? Your membership fees will help the BTA meet its objectives:

To focus attention on issues relating to the provision of public or ‘away from home’ toilets
To campaign for appropriate legislation relating to the provision of public toilets by Local Authorities
To campaign for high standards of public or ‘away from home’ toilets in all areas, including municipal locations, health, education, transport, leisure, hospitality and retail establishments
To campaign for the provision of an adequate number of facilities for women, in relation to the number of facilities provided for men.
To campaign for adequate facilities for specialist user groups, such as wheelchair users, the elderly, babies and young children and people with medical conditions
To campaign for the provision of secure, fully attended public toilet facilities, with extended opening hours.
To campaign for the eradication of all types of social misuse and vandalism in public toilets
To provide a forum for public toilet providers, contractors, suppliers and users to share concerns and ideas and communicate best practices
To provide consultancy and information services to Association members on a range of relevant subjects
To establish links with similar Toilet Associations in other countries

As a member, you'll also receive a discounted rate for the BTA's consultation service. I wonder if they'd come round to my house to discuss current standards of provision, future strategy and issues relevant to design, layout, product and service needs, security and maintenance - as well as marketing or revenue generating opportunities. I can't help but feel that my bathroom at home doesn't generate as much revenue as it could. Maybe I could install a turnstile and charge myself 30p everytime I use it.

It's important to ensure standards are maintained in "away from home" toilet provision and to celebrate those facilities which exceed expectations. For this reason, the BTA promotes the Loo Of The Year Awards. Nominations are currently open for the 2009 awards, so if you're out and about and spot an exceptional toilet, call the Loo Of The Year 24-hour hotline on 01403 25877. Each nominated toilet will receive a visit from a Loo Of The Year judge and will be assessed according to the following criteria:

SIGNAGE AND COMMUNICATION
- Directional signage (where applicable)
- External building signage (where applicable)
- Internal customer communication signage
DÉCOR AND MAINTENANCE
- State of repair
- internal and external (if applicable)
FIXTURES AND FITTINGS PROVISION
- Sanitary fittings, taps, locks, hooks etc.
CLEANLINESS
- Walls and ceilings
- Floor areas
- Fixtures and fittings - basins, bowls, seats, taps etc.
HYGIENE EQUIPMENT
- Hand washing
- Hand drying
- Toilet tissue
- Sanitary product disposal
AIR QUALITY
- Ventilation, drainage smells etc.
EXTRAS
- Added value enhancement - vending, flowers etc.
SECURITY
- Lighting, entrances, external areas (if applicable)
ACCESSIBLE FACILITIES
- Proper provision for both sexes or a unisex facility
CHANGING FACILITIES
- Proper provision for both sexes or a unisex

That's very detailed, isn't it?

Toilets receiving more than three stars will be given a Loo Of The Year grading certificate. This certification process is essential to avoid unscrupulous toilet providers hyping their facilities with no evidence to back up their claims:

I saw that sign in Berlin. I didn't use the toilet in the end, as I wanted to retain the mystery and thought the reality might be a let down. It's like that thing they say about how you should never meet your heroes. Well, it's like that thing they say about how you should never meet your heroes if your hero is a toilet.

BRITISH PLASTICS FEDERATION

2009-02-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

www.bpf.co.uk

When I used to get the train from Worcester Park to Waterloo, if you looked out of the window just before Raynes Park, you could see a factory which had a huge sign saying MANUPLASTICS. It's gone now. The company still exists, but they've moved to a new factory in South Wimbledon. That's a bit of a shame because I loved seeing that factory. "Manuplastics" is such a brilliant word.

I like plastic.

The British Plastics Federation relaunched their website quite recently. I don't know what their old site looked like because I only heard of the British Plastics Federation about half an hour ago. Their new website looks quite nice though.

There's a picture of all different uses of plastic, look:

Some of them are obvious. Plastic bottles and crates and flasks and things. Do they make planes out of plastic? And what are those other pictures? OK, there's a canoe, fair enough. And is that some hosing at the bottom under the crates? I don't know what any of these other things are. But that just goes to show how versatile plastic is. It can be used to make things you can't even recognise. Are those rawl plugs next to the hose to the left? Possibly. I didn't realise Rawlplug is actually a brand name.

When they relaunched the new BPF website, they included two new tools, Plastipedia, "the world's largest on-line plastics encyclopedia", and Plastbook, a social networking site where plastics professionals can "exchange experience, answer plastics related questions and acquire sales leads". Including these two tools was a shrewd move, and resulted in widespread publicity with mentions in Plastics And Rubbers Weekly and Glazine, the weekly email news for the glass, glazing & fenestration industries.

If you're interested in learning more about the history of plastics, the BPF have produced this educational video:

The guy doing the voiceover sounds like a cross between Terry Jones and that bloke on Saturday Kitchen who picks the wine and looks like Boris Johnson. The bit from about 2:35 to 3:45 is great. It's taken from a film by Alan Pendry called "The Shape Of Plastics" (you can watch parts one and two on the BPF Youtube channel).

There's something a little tragic about that Shape Of Plastics film. Plastic doesn't have a particularly good reputation anymore, because of its environmental impact and because it's perceived as being disposable and inauthentic, flimsy and lightweight (although I quite like all those characteristics). In that video though, plastic is seen as something cool, with that sort of hip jazz soundtrack and the slightly surreal pink tint. In the sixties, plastic was full of potential, "so many ways to make so many things". All that Eero Aarnio furniture and space-age plastic clothing. Oh yeah, it looks funny now, but at least the people suggesting this stuff believed progress, they believed in something, even if what they believed in was this. What do you believe in? Lolcats?

All of the words associated with manufacturing plastics sound brilliant:

1) Processing Thermoplastics
1.1 Blown Film
1.2 Extrusion Blow Moulding
1.3 Extrusion Profiles & Sheet
1.4 Injection Blow Moulding
1.5 Injection Moulding
1.6 Injection Moulding (Gas Assisted)
1.7 Injection Stretch Blow Moulding
1.8 Insert Moulding
1.9 Machining of Plastics
1.10 Moulding Expanded Polypropylene (EPP)
1.11 Moulding Expanded Polystyrene (EPS)
1.12 Process Cooling
1.13 Rotational Moulding
1.14 Structural Foam
1.15 Thermoforming
1.16 Vacuum Forming
1.17 Other Extrusion Processes

2) Processing Thermosets
2.1 Pultrusion
2.2 Resin Transfer Moulding
2.3 SMC / DMC Moulding
2.4 Other GRP Moulding Techniques

3) Secondary Processing / Finishing
3.1 Welding
3.2 Product Decoration

At school, we had a small vacuum former - possibly a Compac Mini or something similar anyway. Nothing as impressive as any of the stuff at the new Manuplastics factory, that's for sure.

BRITISH AUTOMATION AND ROBOT ASSOCIATION

2009-01-31T10:46:00.000-08:00

www.bara.org.uk

The British Automation and Robot Association apparently used to be called the British Robot Association. The British Robot Association sounds fantastic, so you wonder why they'd change their name. I'm guessing it's because they realised their initials were BRA and they thought that possibly people wouldn't take them very seriously. What a shame. British Robot Association sounds brilliant. "Automation" is a good word too though. Was there ever a band called Automation? There must have been. I even know what they sound like even though they possibly don't exist.

Good, they've got a picture of a robot on the first page of their website. That's what you want from ~~BRA~~ BARA. It's even a slightly cute robot! At least its face is slightly cute, those spindly arms and legs are a bit scary. "One of the first Humanoid Robots in Britain" is a good way to start a story, isn't it?

I'm not entirely sure how you're supposed to use the website, because there's a menu bar along the top and a quick links menu down the side and they both seem more or less the same. News and Recent News both link to the same page. As do Information and Encyclopedia, and Membership and Join ~~BRA~~ BARA. But who cares? Their newsletter is called QUARTERMATION! They can build ROBOTS! Who am I to criticise these boffins? I like Mike Wilson's email address.

I don't quite understand though. There's a list of applications robots can be used for:

Handling Operations/Moulding/Machine Tending
Arc/Spot/Gas/Laser Welding
Dispensing/Painting/Sealing/Gluing
Loading/Unloading
Cutting/Grinding/Polishing
Laser/Water Jet Cutting
Assembling
Palletising/Packaging
Measurement/Inspection/Testing
Bio-Chemistry and Hazardous Applications

They've missed a few, surely? How about travelling through time to assassinate the woman whose future son would lead a resistance against the machines? Surely you'd use robots for that. And also, surely you'd use a robot to contact Obi-Wan Kenobi and to carry the plans for the Death Star so that the Rebel Alliance is able to destroy it? Actually, there's a bit more detail in this document, maybe they mention the time travelling assassin/contacting Obi-Wan stuff there:

Why Use Robots? When Not to Use Robots, Complexity of Tasks for Robots, Communications, Robot Structures and Their Characteristics, Power Sources, Grippers / End Effectors, Programming Methods, Maintenance Issues, Safety and The Future for Robots.

That document is eighteen pages long. Sod that.

NATIONAL FEDERATION OF RETAIL NEWSAGENTS

2009-01-30T12:47:00.000-08:00

www.nfrnonline.com

The National Federation of Retail Newsagents. Aren't all newsagents retail newsagents? What other sort of newsagents are there? Do you get wholesaler newsagents? I guess you must do. I've never really considered that before, but the newsagents must get their papers and magazines from somewhere, I suppose. OK, wholesaler newsagents can fuck right off. This federation is for retail newsagents only.

Simple, almost boring, website design. I'm a little bit surprised they didn't go with a sort of newspapery look, but maybe that would have looked rubbish, so actually, well done, NFRN. As agents of news, it's not too surprising that they have a news section on the front page. The top story there, with the catchy headline CADBURY AIMS TO HIT THE MARK WITH ON PACK PROMOTION had, at the time of writing, "been read 2 times", although it was only posted today. The second story, about an uplift in sales of roll your own (RYO) tobacco in Wales has been read an impressive 21 times in three days (though possibly two or three of those were me).

The NFRN has ten key objectives:

To assist, practically support and encourage members in running financially successful businesses.
To provide value to members through relevant advice, support, benefits and legal assistance.
To provide pastoral care to members
To represent members interests and promote positive legislation and trading conditions.
To provide training and development to both members and staff to meet the changing needs off the marketplace.
To provide leadership through the effective involvement and communication with members.
To grow and develop Federation membership.
To maintain a structure relevant to the needs of members in a changing marketplace.
To maximise the external profile of the Federation to the benefit of the organisation and its members.
To maintain a sound financial base to meet the Federations' objectives.

Provide pastoral care? OK. Also, does it make sense that one of the ten key objectives is to maintain a sound financial base to meet the ten key objectives? Doesn't that mean that really they've only got nine key objectives. Come on, NFRN, get one more key objective! They could borrow one from the British Sandwich Association. "To provide a source of support and information for members". There you go.

Objectives are one thing, but the NFRN also offers practical advice to its members, such as information on getting the basics of your shop right. The checklist doesn't seem all that helpful though:

Your key categories
Assessing your shop
Understanding your area
Stocking the right lines
Merchandising to maximise sales
Getting the right shop layout
Have you got the right equipment
Training for you and your staff
Operating systems
Working with suppliers

There's no real information there. "Stocking the right lines", well obviously that's important but how do I know what the right lines are? "Have you got the right equipment?" I don't know! I don't know what equipment you need! A till, obviously. An Oyster top-up machine. One of those Paypoint things. Some fridges, one of those freezers for icecreams. What other equipment is there? One of those machines outside which sell gobstoppers and little toys in plastic balls. Oh, a lottery machine. Anything else? I think that's everything.

Much of the content is restricted to members only, which is a shame, so I can't see what they have to say about fixtures and fittings, shop design or the increasing importance of chilled and frozen foods. Is it really true that 31% of the population keep a stock of lager at home? They say "only 31%", that looks a bit high to me, but what do I know? Blimey, it's £4.50 A WEEK to join the NFRN! Plus VAT! The NFRN magazine better be good.

The comedian, writer, musician and philanthropist Tony Hawks presented the awards at the fifth annual NFRN awards in October. Ian Scott sounds like a deserving winner of the News Deliverer of the Year Award after rescuing two pensioners from a burning house. Congratulations, Ian Scott! I wonder how they pick the winners in other years though. Do they just hope that at some point during the year, a paperboy somewhere in the country will save someone from something.

I bet Ian Scott started that fire just to secure the NFRN News Deliverer of the Year Award. I know your game, Ian Scott, you can't fool me.

BRITISH SANDWICH ASSOCIATION

2009-01-30T06:07:00.000-08:00

www.sandwich.org.uk

There's some back story as to why I looked at this website originally which I won't go into here, mainly because it's of no interest to anyone, but I'm going to start this pointless trade associations blog project with the British Sandwich Association because it has many of the key qualities of a good trade association website and it was while I was looking at it that I realised how much I like these sites.

Firstly, the URL is nice and basic. www.sandwich.org.uk. Excellent. Also, the site itself is really simple and slightly unattractive. This is good. Flash animations have no place on a trade website, you just want to be able to access the information quickly and easily.

I like the advert on the side there. Where better for The Sauce Company to advertise than on the website for the British Sandwich Association? Surely a large proportion of all the mayonnaise eaten in the UK is eaten in sandwiches.

There are British Sandwich Association awards! The Sammies! Who knew? Why aren't these awards better publicised? I eat sandwiches almost every day, but I watch maybe only one film a week, yet the Oscars get much more coverage than the Sammies. It's wrong. The Sammies should be on BBC1. Everyone likes sandwiches, surely. Millions of people would tune in. Come on BBC.

And look, there's a British Sandwich Association magazine! The International Sandwich & Snack News. This is what's in the current issue:

BSA
Sandwich Designer of the Year: It's time to get your design hats on again, with the top award up for grabs
The Sammies awards might seem some way off, but now's the time to put your hat in the ring or nominate someone else

PROFILES
The sandwich world has a new designer star in the shape of Hain Celestial's Jay Gosh. Simon Ambrose went to meet him.
Apostrophe is one of London's fast-growing sandwich stars with sixteen stores, the latest in the new Westfield complex in Shepherd's Bush. But is its reputation for excellence deserved? Nellie Nichols goes along to find out

INDEPENDENT PROFILES
Reynolds sandwich bar and café works closely with its suppliers, including running trials and offering its store as a sampling facility
Single-minded Victoria Pike always wanted to run her own sandwich bar and spent years working for other companies to achieve her objective. It's a story of dedication and training

SANDWICH RESEARCH
Saturation, what saturation? Jeffrey Young, Alegra Strategies' founder, says there's in the region of five years more expansion still to come for sandwich bars and cafés

I like the phrase "sandwich research".

The British Sandwich Association has a mission. And they stated what their mission is in their mission statement:

As the voice of the British sandwich industry, the primary objectives of The British Sandwich Association are:

SAFETY - To safeguard the integrity of the sandwich market by setting standards for sandwich making, by encouraging excellence in sandwich making and by encouraging the development of the industry in terms of skills, innovation and overall market development.
GROWTH - To encourage positive growth both in the market and the Association both through the development of the organisation and by promoting the consumption of sandwiches.
COMMUNICATION - To represent the interests of the industry and members to Government and all those in a position influence the industry or factors affecting the industry.
SUPPORT - To provide a source of support and information for members

I wonder how they promote the consumption of sandwiches. I haven't seen any adverts for sandwiches on TV.

EAT SANDWICHES YOU BASTARDS.

That would be a good slogan. If any representatives from the BSA are reading this, you're welcome to use that slogan.

There's also an information centre with lots of information about sandwiches. Unfortunately, most of it is restricted only to members of the BSA, so I have no idea what the management committee have to say, but you can see all the people who have won a Sammie since the awards began in 1995 which is handy seeing as the BBC website is no use.

There are also some very interesting insights into the sandwich market. Some of which, it is promised, will make your mouth water.

It is also estimated that the lunchbox market (that’s sandwiches made at home but carried out to be consumed at work or school etc.) represent around 24% of all sandwiches. It is believed that around 74% of all lunch boxes contain a sandwich.

What could possibly be in the remaining 26% of lunchboxes?

This article by Jane Baynton is fascinating.

Automatic bread feeders, bread buttering and spray buttering machines, sonic cutters, flow wrappers, multivacs, thermoformers and automatic labellers have all become common place. In very recent years we have seen the creation of the fully automated line. Who could ever have envisaged sandwiches being made by robots?

Who indeed.

Sonic cutters sound exciting don't they? They look impressive too:

You can buy them from a company called Millitec, although the website doesn't say how much they cost. I'm guessing they're probably quite expensive. The Ultra-cut can slice up to sixty sandwiches in a minute. That's probably faster than I need to slice sandwiches to be honest as I normally only make one sandwich at a time.

You can also get a butterer and a butterbox. I'm not entirely sure what a butterbox is. Obviously, it's something to do with buttering bread, but quite how you use it is a mystery. This is what a butterbox looks like:

Those cogs on the side look pleasingly functional.

Millitec's new Butterbox is the first truly hygienic way to mechanically butter. The unique design maintains the proven concept of mechanical buttering but completely eliminates the terrible food traps associated with traditional butterers. The same Butterbox will fit most manufacturer's machines with mountings for AFT, Rutland Handling and their clones. The minimal part count enables simple strip down and build up for hygiene with no scope for incorrect assembly. Improved seal technology reduces leakage from the box and large integrated bearing surfaces eliminate the need for frequent bush change. Food traps on the box and rollers are completely eliminated by manufacturing as single piece solid units. The box can be supplied with a jacketed induction heater hopper, allowing controlled localised warming of the butter with no electrical connections at all.

I don't know what any of that means.

Look at this too:

It can slice up to two and a half thousand kilograms of tomatoes in a single day. Incredible. I don't even know what two and a half thousand kilograms of tomatoes looks like. How many tomatoes is that? How much does a single tomato weigh? I don't know. Brilliant.

FIRST POST

2009-01-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

I have an interest in trade associations and corporate websites. I'm not sure why, but I find them really fascinating. I want to look at some of them and talk about them here. This might be quite a boring blog.