SCENTAIR

http://www.scentair.com/index.html

I can't remember how I heard about Scentair. Someone must have written about it somewhere, I doubt I would have just googled "scent marketing" or "fragrance systems" or "aroma diffusion" because I have no idea what those things are. They sound quite good though.

Irritatingly for me, because of the way their website is built, I can't copy and paste huge chunks of text from the Scentair site as I would normally do at this point. I'd guess there aren't a huge amount of people who would want to copy and paste huge chunks of text from the Scentair websites to their pointless blogs, so it's probably not a major inconvenience on a global scale, but it's a bit annoying for me. It means I have to type stuff. I hate typing stuff. So, if I have to type particularly long paragraphs of text from the Scentair website, I might be forced to insert swear words into the text. Sorry about that.

Anyway, according to their About Us section:

Scentair is the global leader of scent marketing solutions. Our patented systems help enhance environments, communicate brands and create memorable experiences. We give our clients the tools to sculpt their own unique environment, completing their customers' experience by engaging memory and emotions through the sense of smell. Tits.

I added that last word.

Anyway, basically, what they do is they install industrial scale Ambi-pur plug ins. But instead of just rubbish old "soft linen" or "aromatic wood", Scentair offer a much more impressive selection of fragrances:

Fresh
Ocean
Fresh Air
Fresh linen
South Sea Island
Island Breeze
Ocean Mist
Sagebrush
Innocent
Vanilla Grapefruit
Lemon Balm
Fresh Outdoors
Coconut Beach
Lavender Vanilla

OK, yeah. They all sound nice. "Fresh Outdoors", "Vanilla Grapefruit", "Ocean Mist". Lovely.

Environmental
Orange Blossom
Juniper Aloe
Herbal Mist
Green Tea & Lemongrass
Ocean
Tobacco Shop
Siberian Fir
Leather
French Vanilla
Redwood Forest
Sagebrush
Evergreen Forest

Again, they seem nice. "Orange Blossom", "Green Tea & Lemongrass", "French Vanilla". Mmmm.

Floral
Jasmine
Roses
Wildflower
Lavender
White Gardenia
Lilacs
Honeysuckle
Mimosa
Rose Garden
Herbal Mist
Summer Blossoms
Autumn Mums
Fragrant Magnolia

"Autumn Mums"? That doesn't sound very nice.

Food & Drink
Birthday Cake
Sugar Cookie
Chocolate Chip Cookie
Gingerbread
Glazed donut
Waffle Cone
Cinnamon Buns
Hot Apple Pie
Cinnamon,
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie
French Bread
Fresh Brewed Coffee
Spiced Apple Cider
Hot Chocolate
Pink Lemonade
Mochaccino
Peppermint

OK, that sounds better. None of that "Autumn Mums" nonsense. I like how specific they're able to be as well. Birthday cake, not any other type of cake. Three different types of cookies. Don't cookies, and indeed most biscuits, smell more or less the same?

Holiday
Peppermint
Spiced Apple Cider
Chocolate
Gingerbread
Dark Chocolate
Holiday Nights
Winter Blue
Ice Show
Evergreen Forest
Noel

Oh god, I hope they mean Noël as in "the first Noël/the angels did say". I don't want to imagine what this smells like. Now SMELL THIS, Wealdon District Council.

Simulation
Engine Exhaust
Dinosaur Breath
Gunpowder
Musty
Earth
Fresh Cut Grass
Sulfurous Volcano
Burning Rubber
Diesel Exhaust
Oily Machinery
Dinosaur Dung
Skunk
Wood Fire

They've just run out of ideas now, haven't they? "Musty"? Why would you want something to smell musty? And "Dinosaur Breath" I could just about accept, though how anyone knows what it smells like, I have no idea. I'd imagine dinosaurs have quite nice breath. Clifford managed to pull and he was a dragon, so surely a dinosaur's breath would be similar but just less smoky? Anyway, as I say, maybe I can accept "Dinosaur Breath", but surely, no-one wants to experience the smell of "Dinosaur Dung". Or "Skunk" for that matter. Skunks are only famous for one thing and that's for being proper stinkers. No-one wants that.

THE ERGONOMICS SOCIETY

http://www.ergonomics.org.uk/

Probably the most interesting subject I did at school was Design Technology. Not actually making stuff, although I kind of enjoyed that (and still do in fact) but design theory - history of the teapot type stuff.

It was partly due to my teacher I guess, who as you can see here scored an excellent five out of five on RateMyTeachers.com. He was an odd man, the sort of person who would be described anachronistically as a confirmed bachelor. Anyway, I quite liked his quiet manner, his obsession with neatness, his carefully ordered stationery cupboard. One thing about him I had completely forgotten about until I typed that last sentence was when we did technical drawing, we used these trays which had all the equipment we needed - set squares, protractors, rulers, differently graded pencils etc etc etc. At the end of each class, he insisted every put the equipment back in the trays in exactly the same way, the ruler had to go on one particular side, the set square on the other, the eraser in one corner. "I want it A1 tidy" he'd say, which I don't even think is a proper phrase, but he'd say it anyway.

Anyway, one thing which I particularly found interesting was ergonomics. Visual displays, information design, anthropometry, motion studies. I liked learning about the 5th and 95th percentiles:

First, notice that the graph is symmetrical – so that 50% of people are of average height or taller, and 50% are of average height or smaller. The graph tails off to either end, because fewer people are extremely tall or very short. To the left of the average, there is a point known as the 5th percentile, because 5% of the people (or 1 person in 20) is shorter than this particular height. The same distance to the right is a point known as the 95th percentile, where only 1 person in 20 is taller than this height.

Usually, you will find that if you pick the right percentile, 95% of people will be able to use your design. For instance, if you were choosing a door height, you would choose the dimension of people's height (often called 'stature' in anthropometry tables) and pick the 95th percentile value – in other words, you would design for the taller people. You wouldn't need to worry about the average height people, or the 5th percentile ones – they would be able to fit through the door anyway.

There's something kind of comforting about the idea that there's a whole industry dedicated to making sure that most of the time, most people find things easy to use, comfortable to use. It's like someone's taking care of us. And they're doing it with some numbers and a graph.

I think I also like ergonomics because it's one of those crossroad areas of study. It's a bit of maths, a bit of physiology, a bit of psychology, a bit of engineering, a bit of sociology. Also, it's quite boring, which appeals to me. Plus, of course, images like this are clearly just fantastic:


Brilliant.

I'd quite like to go to this:

Must have been Designed by a Man!
21 April 2009, London
A 'breakfast meeting' will be hosted by CCD Design & Ergonomics Ltd. The theme will be "Everyday items exhibiting 'good' and 'bad' ergonomics". Presentations will be centred on familiar and unknown examples of everyday objects and their ergonomic qualities. We hope to answer questions such as: 'how well have these items succeeded in the market place?' and 'has ergonomics affected this success or failure?'

Although, well, it would probably be a bit weird if I went. It would be loads of ergonomics professionals and maybe a few students or whatever and maybe some engineers and designers, people like that. And me.

BRITISH EGG INFORMATION SERVICE

http://www.britegg.co.uk/

For over thirty years, health organisations have warned that people should limit the number of eggs they eat to only three week . However, this limit has now been lifted! As Professor Bruce Griffin, Professor of Nutritional Metabolism from the University of Surrey, says "The UK public do not need to be limiting the number of eggs they eat" Fantastic news! Eggs all round! Let's party! These eggs certainly seem pleased by the news.

I'm sure that following this great news, you are, like me, now planning an all egg diet. If so, you'd probably want some ideas for recipes. The British Egg Information Service has lots of recipes. They've also got a Youtube channel.
This is how to boil an egg:



That's fairly straightforward. I think most people agree on how to boil an egg, though I suppose there's a bit of debate over whether you should put the egg in cold water and bring to the boil or boil the water first and then add the egg. That's nothing compared with the number of different ways to poach an egg. This is the British Egg Information Service's method. She uses the rolling boil/egg in a cup method. Gordon Ramsay has a similar method but uses a whisk to "gain some momentum in the water". He also plunges his cooked egg into iced water. Isn't it a bit gross the way he holds the poached egg at the end? I keep thinking he's going to squeeze it and spray egg yolk all over his craggy, antique oak face. It seems wrong holding a poached egg like that. Rob Manuel from B3TA tested various egg poaching methods and having tried the clingfilm method, I agree with his findings.

But what if you're just too lazy to boil or poach an egg and don't really fancy Bowie-in-Berlin style raw eggs? Thankfully, the British Egg Products Association are on hand.

Egg products are used as ingredients by food manufacturers and caterers to save time, money and hassle, without neglecting quality or food safety responsibilities. There are an incredible amount of egg products available on the market today, if you can think of a way for egg to be sold then it probably exists. Eggs are available in liquid, frozen and dried forms. Also available are "value added" egg products such as boiled eggs, scotch eggs, fried eggs and omelettes and ready-to-use scrambled eggs and sandwich fillings.

Ready made fried eggs! Brilliant!

Unfortunately, egg products seem to be mainly aimed at food manufacturers and caterers rather than the end consumer and so aren't available in supermarkets. Although Sainsburys sell packs of shelled hard boiled eggs for just £1.99 for four. That's handy, because I'm sure there must have been lots of times in the past when you've been out and about, doing the shopping or going to meet friends or whatever and you fancied eating four hard boiled eggs, but couldn't so you just had to starve. Well, no longer! And you can wash it all down with a lovely carton of egg white from Eggnation.

I wrote all that without making a single egg pun.

CLOWNS INTERNATIONAL

www.clowns-international.co.uk

When I was about ten, I stayed a friend's house and watched a film called Clownhouse. We got it from the local video shop, Take One Video it was called. It closed down probably about ten years ago and has since been replaced by the One Stop Party Shop. Considering the shop no longer exists, it really is of no benefit to me to be able to remember that our membership number was 9133. Take One Video had a wonderful system where they would let young children rent 15 or 18 certificate films if they could provide a note from their parents saying it was OK. I say "from their parents", although obviously the kids just wrote the notes themselves.

So, we were ten years old. We had a fake note allowing us to watch ANY film in the whole of Take One Video. We chose Clownhouse.



It's about three psychopaths who escape from the local mental institution and disguise themselves as clowns and stalk three teenage brothers who have been left alone for the weekend by their parents. Every slasher movie box is ticked there, well done. One possible improvement would have been to have teenage girls rather than young boys, although I now understand why director Victor Salva chose young male protagonists.

We stayed up very late and turned off all the lights and put the film on. At one particularly scary moment, I I carefully slid off my chair and crawled over behind where my friend was sitting and jumped out just when the spooky music told me too. It was very funny.

The point of all this is to address the myth that clowns are scary. Clowns aren't scary. It's just escaped psychopaths disguised as clowns that are scary. They weren't really clowns, they were just disguised as clowns. Just like Pennywise isn't really a clown, he's just a demonic being in the form of a clown. And John Wayne Gacy wasn't really a clown. He just used to dress up like a clown to befriend young boys he would later sexually abuse, brutally murder and bury under his house.

I quite like the idea of hiring a clown. I'm not sure what I'd do with a clown, but maybe it would be good to have one for a few hours and then just go around doing normal stuff like going to the supermarket or whatever, but with a clown. I don't think I'd want the clown to do much, I find clown acts a bit annoying, but I like the idea of hanging around with a clown. Maybe just sitting in a pub for a couple of hours on a Sunday, reading the paper. Me and my clown.

I like that the Clowns International website tells you who else is online:



The Clowns International magazine is called The Joey.

NAME BASE

www.namebase.com

It's a well known fact that some words, which sound innocuous in one language, sound funny in another. In the olden days, families used to sit around their television sets and weep with laughter as Esther Rantzen informed them that somewhere in the world, someone was eating Plopp. If Esther Rantzen did that joke now, I bet Mark Oaten's wife wouldn't find it very funny.

Lists like this are common all over the internet, and our fascination with amusing product names continues. Having said that, whilst the invention of the internet has helped feed our obsession, it has also no doubt contributed to killing off those brand names at the source.

In a global economy, a connected world, no-one wanting to launch a new product would risk becoming a laughing stock because of an ill considered name - though some, due to sheer corporate force combined with actually being a pretty decent product, manage to slip through.

That's where Namebase come in. They find names for new products. Sometimes they make up new words, or attack old ones. And, not only do they ensure your new name is free of negative connotations, they also seek positive associations and ease of pronunciation in major languages of business to make your name globally effective.

Namebase believes that your name is the base upon which you build your brand. That's why they're called Namebase. Because your name is the base upon which you build your brand. Namebase.

Their list of clients is quite impressive. Proctor & Gamble, Bic, Coca-Cola, IBM, Shell, Suzuki, Tropicana.

I can't help but feel they tried a bit harder for Coca-Cola than they did for Tropicana:

The Challenge:
Snapple was enjoying great success in the single-serve beverage category. Coca-Cola, with deeper distribution channels, saw an opportunity to take on Snapple and capture some market share. They had the formulation; all they needed was a name snappier than "Snapple"
Success:
FRUITOPIA was born. The coined word was wildly appealing to a young demographic, and Fruitopia went on to become a great international success for Coke.

OK, "Fruitopia". I've heard of that. It's memorable. Slightly annoying, but memorable.

The Challenge:
Tropicana Smoothie sales were sagging under the weight of an apparent disconnect between the Tropicana brand and dairy products. They needed a new name that would communicate the new non-dairy recipe.
The success:
In many cases, consumer packaged goods get only one chance to speak to the customer: from the shelf. Consumers must know immediately what the product is and why they should pick it up. Namebase took the "moo" out of smoothie! We helped Tropicana explore evocative and fanciful names. We thought the best solution was just to say what it is: Tropicana FRUIT SMOOTHIES. Through the use of a Namebase-inspired package design and a descriptive name, Tropicana is back in the smoothie business, stronger than ever?

"Fruit Smoothie"? That's rubbish. Surely the idiots at Tropicana could have come up with that themselves.

Namebase have developed some new pizza names for Domino's Pizza, although they haven't listed them on their website yet. That's got to be the best job in the world. "Hmmm, I think I need to try that one again. Still can't quite find the right name. Can you get another couple of slices? And maybe some potato wedges. And some Häagen-Dazs."

Though, no matter how carefully you check to make sure there are no negative connotations associated with the name you choose, there's no guarantee that will always be true:



Although it's quite unlikely there'd ever be a disease called FRUITOPIA.

PIZZA PASTA AND ITALIAN FOOD ASSOCIATION

http://www.papa.org.uk/

Welcome to papa.org.uk home of the Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association (PAPA).

Hold on. How did they get to PAPA? Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association - shouldn't that be PPIFA? Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association, surely. PPIFA. Not Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association.

The Pizza, Pasta & Italian Food Association (PAPA) was originally formed in 1977 as the Pizza Association, but changed its name to include pasta and Italian foods in the late 1980s. Today the association is the only formal trade body in the UK representing the broad pizza, pasta and Italian food and drink industry

OK, I can accept the Pizza Association calling itself PA. That's fine. Pizza Association. No problem. But if you then stick "Pasta and Italian Food" in between "Pizza" and "Association", you need to put PIF between the P and A. You can't just add another PA on the end. It doesn't work like that.

Anyway, unfortunately, lots of the links in the information centre are only available to PPIFA members. I'd be interested to read the code of practice for home delivery operators and drivers. Non-PPIFA members at least can read the fun pizza facts:

American Pizza Consumption
Americans eat approximately 100 acres of pizza EACH DAY, or about 350 slices per second. Each individual consumes about 23 lbs., or 46 slices, each year. Around 350 pizza slices are wolfed down across the States each second.

Apparently, each second, Americans eat around 350 slices of pizza. Around 350 slices of pizza are eaten by Americans every second.

Favourite Toppings
Americans prefer meat toppings to veggie toppings by a ratio of 62 to 100. Women order twice as many vegetable toppings than men.
America's favourite topping is pepperoni. 36 per cent of all pizza customers want their pizzas topped with pepperoni. US citizens consume around 251,770,000 pounds of pepperonis every year.

Least Favourite
The least favourite pizza topping is anchovies.

I like pepperoni and I like anchovies. I straddle the pizza divide. If there were more people like me, there'd be no war.

There's more to Italian food than just pizza though. The country is famous for its food. Thankfully, the PPIFA have a recipe page, so you can make some tasty traditional Italian food at home. Unfortunately, there's only one recipe so far. For a pizza omelette, which is an omelette with some pizza toppings:

Classic Toppings
Farmhouse - ham and mushroom. Hawaiian - ham and pineapple.
Vegetarian - green peppers, red onion, tomato, pineapple, mushroom and sweetcorn. Or something a bit more special
Meat feast - pepperoni, chicken, spicy beef, spicy pork and Cajun chicken.
Capricciosa - ham, roasted peppers, white anchovies, capers and olives.
Florentina – goat’s cheese, spinach and olives.

Is "meat feast" really a classic Italian pizza topping?

STAEDTLER

www.staedtler.co.uk

A while ago, bored at work, I decided to amuse myself by writing reviews of items of stationery on Amazon.

Of the Staedtler Mars Plastic Eraser, I wrote:

Whilst Staedtler might be going a bit far claiming that the Mars Plastic is "self cleaning", it does do a remarkably good job of removing pencil marks without smudging, leaving the page as good as new. This is the eraser I always come back to. The size is perfect too, and the plastic rubber material is strong and resists crumbling or cracking.

Of the Staedtler 110 Tradition HB Pencil, I wrote:

This is a classic of pencil design. The red and black stripes of the Staedtler 110 Tradition range are bold and eye-catching, whilst still remaining smarter and more elegant than the rather garish yellow and black of the Noris range. The Tradition also has a full 12 degrees, from 6B through to 4H, compared with the narrower range offered by the Noris (only 2B to 2H). I love this pencil.

And I wrote this about the Staedtler Stick 430M:

The Staedtler 430 Stick Ball Pen is perhaps the only ballpoint capable of rivalling the world famous Bic Cristal. The Staedtler produces a good, clean line, and the design is pleasing - the strong outline of the cap is a fine example of German design. Unfortunately, it will forever remain in Bic's shadow, nonetheless, this is a fine pen.

Whilst I still agree that the Stick 430M will forever remain in the shadow of the Bic Cristal (a true icon), I personally prefer the Staedtler. Just look at that beautiful, stark design; those clean lines; that simple silhouette:



Staedtler was founded in Germany in 1835. They have a long and proud history of making pens and pencils. There's a timeline of key events on their website. In 1834, for instance, "J. S. Staedtler invents coloured oil pastel pencils which 'can be sharpened to a point just like a pencil'". In 1900, the Mars brand is registered at the imperial patent office in Berlin, with the Norris brand following a year later. In 1937, the Staedtler range is extended to include mechanical writing instruments. Oddly enough, nothing much seems to happen for the next few years, until they begin to produce ballpoint pens in the late 1940s.

This video is good:



Is that how you pronounce "graphite"? I always thought it was "graf-ite" rather than "graf-it". Do you pronounce "chip-ite" in the same way? Chipit. I'd quite like a job testing pencils (from about 2:20 in the video). Sitting with a big pile of plain A4 and a box of pencils, scribbling. I could do that. Given sufficient training.

There are more videos on the Pencil Facts website, but the guy on these videos has an Australian accent rather than that weird German robot voice. You can also send off for a free poster, if you want.

POTATO COUNCIL

www.potato.org.uk
www.britishpotatoes.co.uk
www.potatoesforcaterers.co.uk
www.potatoesforschools.org.uk
www.lovechips.co.uk
www.potatoposters.co.uk

One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five potato, six potato. Six potato websites. The Potato Council have got six different websites. Six official potato websites.

In the current issue of The Grocer, there's a story with the headline POTATO INDUSTRY 'MUST PULL IN YOUNG PEOPLE' based on a report, due to be published by the Potato Council next month, called "Potatoes - A Choice For Life". Apparently, younger consumers are turning to rice and pasta, rather than potatoes, as their main source of carbohydrate:

Consumption under-indexed significantly among younger age groups and was highest among the retired, according to the report. Only 63% of individuals in the "pre-family" demographic ate potatoes as their carbohydrate of choice, compared with 21% for pasta and 16% for rice. However, 86% of the retired consumed potatoes as their carbohydrate of choice.

I didn't know everyone was meant to have a carbohydrate of choice. Do you have to have one? I guess mine would be potatoes, but I don't know, now I feel pressured. What if I choose the wrong carbohydrate of choice? If I pick potatoes, what does that say about me? I'm in the pre-family demographic, does choosing potatoes make me uncool? Pasta and rice seem edgier choices.

According to the Potato Council, "time, convenience and money" are the reasons people are choosing rice and pasta instead of potatoes. As Kathryn Race of the Potato Council explains, “for generations, family meals have included potato favourites such as Shepherd’s Pie and fishcakes. But our research reveals that the younger generation are now unable to make a meal using one of the most important staples – the potato, without being shown how":

When asked which they would know how to cook from scratch:

• only 65 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 65 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 67 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook roast potatoes


• just 66 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 69 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 66 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook jacket potatoes

What? How can anyone not know how to cook a jacket potato? Isn't the recipe just "put potato in oven"?

When asked which dishes they would know how to cook from scratch without help/guidance:

• only 17 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 25 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 22 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook fishcakes


• just 14 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 22 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 20 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Potato Gratin/Bake


• just 22 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 24 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 28 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Leek and Potato Soup


• just 38 per cent of 19-21 year olds, 46 per cent of 22-25 year olds and 48 per cent of 26-30 year olds know how to cook Shepherd’s Pie.

I'm not entirely sure if I could make all those dishes without any help or guidance. I could probably produce something which would be edible, but I wouldn't be entirely sure of quantities and cooking times. But why do you need to be able to cook leek and potato soup without any help or guidance? Google exists. BBC Recipe Search exists. There's no shame in checking how to make something if you've never made it before. And I doubt I'd ever make fishcakes from scratch anyway. To make fishcakes, the first stage is to make mash and if I've made mash, I'd probably just eat the mash. Leave me alone, Potato Council. I'm happy to eat mash. Isn't that enough for you?

I love mash. Mash is one of the best things you can make with potatoes. Chips are good too. I lovechips. How many people do you think the Potato Council approached to front their Love Chips campaign before finally admitting defeat and asking Keith Chegwin?

This is just mental:



Fennell19900's comment is a bit harsh:

This really isnt catching on the way he hoped would boost his career. Probly cos the song is SHIT

Harsh but fair.

LIFT AND ESCALATOR INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION

www.leia.co.uk

I got stuck in a lift once when I used to work at the BBC. Stephen Fry wasn't stuck in the lift with me so it didn't get any media coverage. There was a heavily pregnant woman in the lift though. Beat that, Fry. Because I was standing next to the little red emergency telephone, I was given the responsibility of phoning the security guard. "Don't panic," he said, "just stay where you are". The security guard phoned the engineers and when they arrived, we could hear them outside, dropping their spanners and mumbling "oh blimey" and "I think we need to phone the fire brigade". After about three quarters of an hour, they managed to get us out. I went back to my desk. No-one had noticed I'd been missing.

45 minutes isn't too bad, especially because the reason I was in the lift in the first place was because I'd just been downstairs to get a cup of tea and a Cadbury Twirl, so I had supplies. This fantastic article from the New Yorker tells the story of Nicholas White who was stuck in an elevator in the McGraw-Hill Building in New York for forty-one hours.

This is the security footage of those forty-one hours condensed into three minutes:



He looks like a fly, buzzing around in that little box. It's horrible.

Nick Paumgarten's article in the New Yorker is an astonishing piece of writing. I especially like this section on proxemics:

Passengers seem to know instinctively how to arrange themselves in an elevator. Two strangers will gravitate to the back corners, a third will stand by the door, at an isosceles remove, until a fourth comes in, at which point passengers three and four will spread toward the front corners, making room, in the center, for a fifth, and so on, like the dots on a die. With each additional passenger, the bodies shift, slotting into the open spaces. The goal, of course, is to maintain (but not too conspicuously) maximum distance and to counteract unwanted intimacies—a code familiar (to half the population) from the urinal bank and (to them and all the rest) from the subway. One should face front. Look up, down, or, if you must, straight ahead. Mirrors compound the unease. Generally, no one should speak a word to anyone else in an elevator. Most people make allowances for the continuation of generic small talk already under way, or, in residential buildings, for neighborly amenities. The orthodox enforcers of silence—the elevator Quakers—must suffer the moderates or the serial abusers, as they cram in exchanges about the night, the game, the weekend, or the meal.

I love lifts. I don't really know why. Maybe because as a kid I used to imagine that it was the lift which stayed still and the rest of the building moved. They seem a bit magical. This little room you enter, the doors close, a few seconds later they reopen and you're somewhere else! It's amazing! Maybe I'll go to Liftex2010, "the only exhibition for manufacturers of lifts, escalators, components and service companies in the UK". It sounds amazing, but it's more than a year away, can I wait that long? The Elevator World calendar is pretty full though, so I guess I can go to one of those events instead.

Paumgarten's article doesn't mention one of the most controversial issues in the world of elevators - the issue of door dwell. Door dwell is the amount of time it takes for the doors of an elevator to close after the passengers have boarded. Door dwell is typically set at between two to five seconds - or to be needlessly specific, two to three seconds for a boarding call, and three to five seconds for a landing call (the extra time allows for the fact that people may also board during a landing call). The "door close" button on a lift is designed to cancel any remaining dwell time and close the doors (hence the name), however, some believe the door close button is nothing more than a placebo, put there just to give impatient people something to do while they wait. James Gleick, who devoted a whole chapter to elevators in his book Faster, says:

Although elevators with all their functions ready to work, the manufacturers realise that building managers often choose to disable DOOR CLOSE. Buildings fear trapped limbs and lawsuits. Thus they turn their resident populations into subjects in a Pavlovian experiment in negative feedback.

So whether or not the door close button works all depends on how paranoid and dishonest your building manager is. Apparently, in Japan, the paint on the door close buttons gets worn off really quickly, I guess because Japanese building managers are confident and honest, and Japanese people are bad tempered and impatient. Incidentally, the Japanese for "door close" is "door crose". That's not really true but it is slightly racist.

Gleick also quotes from a report called Human Behaviour and Perception in Elevators by something called Spivack Associates:

The long silences, the almost library hush, that we can observe where people wait for elevators are not only what they seem. The longer the silence the more likely one of us will become embarrassed, the more embarrassing and tense are the little interior dramas that we play out each within our own theatre of projection

The actual period of waiting that elapses before a particular group may feel that waiting has become a nearly unendurable torment will probably vary significantly with the composition of the group, the time of day, and the type of building in which they are travelling. The wait is hardly ever long, however much the subjective experience may stretch it out.

I can't find this bastard report anywhere, it sounds brilliant, like a straight version of Seinfeld. I've found Mayer Spivack, but I can't find the report itself. Why isn't everything online by now? Come on Google, sort it out.

This book looks good.

I like this website too. Though I agree with obm's comment, the site does slightly overplay the imagined disrespect of pointless multiple button pushes, well observed, obm.

How brilliant to build an elevator which can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways and squareways and frontways and any other ways that you can think of, and has a special button that when pressed, even the person who invented it doesn't know quite what will happen, except that it causes the elevator to crash through the roof of the building, "probably" resulting in the passengers being cut to ribbons.

I haven't really mentioned the LEIA much, have I?

UK TEA COUNCIL

http://www.tea.co.uk/

I like tea. Everyone likes tea, surely? The Google results speak for themselves:

"I love tea" - 134,000 results
"I like tea" - 69,800 results
"I am largely indifferent to tea" - 0 results
"I don't like tea" - 23,100 results
"I hate tea" - 13,300 results

Google results checked at 13.22, 05/02/2009

Proven by science. Not only is the group of people who love tea by far the biggest of all the groups, but even amongst those who feel negatively towards tea, more people merely "don't like" it rather than actively "hate" it.



www.tea.co.uk. The UK Tea Council did well with the URL there. Even better than the British Sandwich Association.

Tea. Tea, tea, tea. The front page of the UK Tea Council website uses the word "tea" forty one times:



That's a lot. Especially when you realise they only use the word "the" twenty times:



The conduplicating text almost removes all meaning from the word "tea" turning it into nothing more than an echolalic tic. Tea. TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA. Tea.

Tea Facts! Tea FAQs!

96% of all cups of tea drunk daily in the UK are brewed from tea bags!
98% of people take their tea with milk, but only 30% take sugar in tea!
The British drink 165 million cup of tea a day! 60.2 billion per year!

Cor, the tea bag was invented by accident!

In around 1908, Thomas Sullivan, a New York tea merchant, started to send samples of tea to his customers in small silken bags. Some assumed that these were supposed to be used in the same way as the metal infusers, by putting the entire bag into the pot, rather than emptying out the contents.

Excellent, well done confused American customers of Thomas Sullivan in around 1908!

If you want to learn more about tea, there's a one-day masterclass which is only £175 (book here). Or you can spend hours looking at the UK Tea Council website for free.

The UK Tea Council website is a little bit insane. There are tea related games, a spinning tea pot thing you can use to decide whose turn it is to make the tea and a chart you can download to keep note of how colleagues take their tea. They also got Dr Rebecca Newton from the London School of Economics to analyse how people hold their tea cups and identify six different personality types. I suspect the UK Tea Council is the greatest place to work in the world. Everyone must just sit around all day, drinking tea and thinking of idiotic tea-related gimmicks. They haven't done tea-shirts yet though. Maybe I'll suggest it to them and they'll give me a job, or at invite me round for a cup of tea.

CIS STREET FURNITURE

www.cis-streetfurniture.co.uk/

Exciting. This is the first website I'm going to write about which isn't for a trade association. Oh yeah, it's not all trade associations round here, you know. There's much more going on.



CIS have quite a simple website. They don't need anything complicated, they're happy to let their products speak for themselves. And what wonderful products! While it's true that most people have probably never heard of CIS, everyone who has ever stepped foot outside must be familiar with their products. 126 different combinations of tree grilles! 50 permutations of railings! 40 litter bins! And over 200 different combinations of bollard designs!

The products made by CIS are so ubiquitous they become invisible. It's hard to imagine anyone designing these things, factories manufacturing them, people installing them. Actual humans are involved in every stage of this, but you sort of think these things just appear from nowhere. Actually, you don't even think they appear, they seem to have always been there.

I mean, look at this:



That just looks like a bench. You'd walk past it and not give it a second's thought. You wouldn't even notice it, wouldn't even see it.

Actually, it's a type 583 bench. The iroko hardwood timber is sourced from responsibily managed forests and is treated prior to delivery with two coats of Sikkens HLSO wood preservative. The ends are solid cast iron and are also available with armrests.

That paragraph should have been read in the voice of Dervla Kirwan.

I wish I had an enormous computer brain and I could memorise all the catalogue numbers and specifications for all this stuff. I'd walk down the road identifying things. It would be great.


"That's a 187SS-D cycle rack"


"That's a type 1006 cast iron square tree grille"


"That looks like an SO 120 HT steel litter bin, in green"

OK, so no-one would talk to me, but who needs friends when you can identify products from the CIS street furniture range? At least street furniture isn't fickle and doesn't talk about you behind your back.

BRITISH TOILET ASSOCIATION

www.britloos.co.uk

Pity the poor public toilet. Often characterised as seedy, filthy places frequented by junkies and Stedman Pearson from Five Star. Even those people using public toilets for legitimate reasons are going to the toilet in them. The public toilet needs a voice. Thankfully, the British Toilet Association is here, "campaigning for better public toilets for all" and acting as "the catalyst for change in the pursuit of standards of excellence in all areas of public toilet provision and management".



Were Britain's public toilets really once the envy of the world? When was that? Whose public toilets are the envy of the world now? Google isn't much help.

Membership of the BTA is open to everyone, from local authorities and commercial organisations to individuals. So, if you are really obsessed with toilets and you've got £46 to spare, why not fill out this form and become a member? Your membership fees will help the BTA meet its objectives:

To focus attention on issues relating to the provision of public or ‘away from home’ toilets
To campaign for appropriate legislation relating to the provision of public toilets by Local Authorities
To campaign for high standards of public or ‘away from home’ toilets in all areas, including municipal locations, health, education, transport, leisure, hospitality and retail establishments
To campaign for the provision of an adequate number of facilities for women, in relation to the number of facilities provided for men.
To campaign for adequate facilities for specialist user groups, such as wheelchair users, the elderly, babies and young children and people with medical conditions
To campaign for the provision of secure, fully attended public toilet facilities, with extended opening hours.
To campaign for the eradication of all types of social misuse and vandalism in public toilets
To provide a forum for public toilet providers, contractors, suppliers and users to share concerns and ideas and communicate best practices
To provide consultancy and information services to Association members on a range of relevant subjects
To establish links with similar Toilet Associations in other countries

As a member, you'll also receive a discounted rate for the BTA's consultation service. I wonder if they'd come round to my house to discuss current standards of provision, future strategy and issues relevant to design, layout, product and service needs, security and maintenance - as well as marketing or revenue generating opportunities. I can't help but feel that my bathroom at home doesn't generate as much revenue as it could. Maybe I could install a turnstile and charge myself 30p everytime I use it.

It's important to ensure standards are maintained in "away from home" toilet provision and to celebrate those facilities which exceed expectations. For this reason, the BTA promotes the Loo Of The Year Awards. Nominations are currently open for the 2009 awards, so if you're out and about and spot an exceptional toilet, call the Loo Of The Year 24-hour hotline on 01403 25877. Each nominated toilet will receive a visit from a Loo Of The Year judge and will be assessed according to the following criteria:

SIGNAGE AND COMMUNICATION
- Directional signage (where applicable)
- External building signage (where applicable)
- Internal customer communication signage
DÉCOR AND MAINTENANCE
- State of repair
- internal and external (if applicable)
FIXTURES AND FITTINGS PROVISION
- Sanitary fittings, taps, locks, hooks etc.
CLEANLINESS
- Walls and ceilings
- Floor areas
- Fixtures and fittings - basins, bowls, seats, taps etc.
HYGIENE EQUIPMENT
- Hand washing
- Hand drying
- Toilet tissue
- Sanitary product disposal
AIR QUALITY
- Ventilation, drainage smells etc.
EXTRAS
- Added value enhancement - vending, flowers etc.
SECURITY
- Lighting, entrances, external areas (if applicable)
ACCESSIBLE FACILITIES
- Proper provision for both sexes or a unisex facility
CHANGING FACILITIES
- Proper provision for both sexes or a unisex

That's very detailed, isn't it?

Toilets receiving more than three stars will be given a Loo Of The Year grading certificate. This certification process is essential to avoid unscrupulous toilet providers hyping their facilities with no evidence to back up their claims:



I saw that sign in Berlin. I didn't use the toilet in the end, as I wanted to retain the mystery and thought the reality might be a let down. It's like that thing they say about how you should never meet your heroes. Well, it's like that thing they say about how you should never meet your heroes if your hero is a toilet.

BRITISH PLASTICS FEDERATION

www.bpf.co.uk

When I used to get the train from Worcester Park to Waterloo, if you looked out of the window just before Raynes Park, you could see a factory which had a huge sign saying MANUPLASTICS. It's gone now. The company still exists, but they've moved to a new factory in South Wimbledon. That's a bit of a shame because I loved seeing that factory. "Manuplastics" is such a brilliant word.

I like plastic.



The British Plastics Federation relaunched their website quite recently. I don't know what their old site looked like because I only heard of the British Plastics Federation about half an hour ago. Their new website looks quite nice though.

There's a picture of all different uses of plastic, look:



Some of them are obvious. Plastic bottles and crates and flasks and things. Do they make planes out of plastic? And what are those other pictures? OK, there's a canoe, fair enough. And is that some hosing at the bottom under the crates? I don't know what any of these other things are. But that just goes to show how versatile plastic is. It can be used to make things you can't even recognise. Are those rawl plugs next to the hose to the left? Possibly. I didn't realise Rawlplug is actually a brand name.

When they relaunched the new BPF website, they included two new tools, Plastipedia, "the world's largest on-line plastics encyclopedia", and Plastbook, a social networking site where plastics professionals can "exchange experience, answer plastics related questions and acquire sales leads". Including these two tools was a shrewd move, and resulted in widespread publicity with mentions in Plastics And Rubbers Weekly and Glazine, the weekly email news for the glass, glazing & fenestration industries.

If you're interested in learning more about the history of plastics, the BPF have produced this educational video:



The guy doing the voiceover sounds like a cross between Terry Jones and that bloke on Saturday Kitchen who picks the wine and looks like Boris Johnson. The bit from about 2:35 to 3:45 is great. It's taken from a film by Alan Pendry called "The Shape Of Plastics" (you can watch parts one and two on the BPF Youtube channel).

There's something a little tragic about that Shape Of Plastics film. Plastic doesn't have a particularly good reputation anymore, because of its environmental impact and because it's perceived as being disposable and inauthentic, flimsy and lightweight (although I quite like all those characteristics). In that video though, plastic is seen as something cool, with that sort of hip jazz soundtrack and the slightly surreal pink tint. In the sixties, plastic was full of potential, "so many ways to make so many things". All that Eero Aarnio furniture and space-age plastic clothing. Oh yeah, it looks funny now, but at least the people suggesting this stuff believed progress, they believed in something, even if what they believed in was this. What do you believe in? Lolcats?

All of the words associated with manufacturing plastics sound brilliant:

1) Processing Thermoplastics
1.1 Blown Film
1.2 Extrusion Blow Moulding
1.3 Extrusion Profiles & Sheet
1.4 Injection Blow Moulding
1.5 Injection Moulding
1.6 Injection Moulding (Gas Assisted)
1.7 Injection Stretch Blow Moulding
1.8 Insert Moulding
1.9 Machining of Plastics
1.10 Moulding Expanded Polypropylene (EPP)
1.11 Moulding Expanded Polystyrene (EPS)
1.12 Process Cooling
1.13 Rotational Moulding
1.14 Structural Foam
1.15 Thermoforming
1.16 Vacuum Forming
1.17 Other Extrusion Processes

2) Processing Thermosets
2.1 Pultrusion
2.2 Resin Transfer Moulding
2.3 SMC / DMC Moulding
2.4 Other GRP Moulding Techniques

3) Secondary Processing / Finishing
3.1 Welding
3.2 Product Decoration

At school, we had a small vacuum former - possibly a Compac Mini or something similar anyway. Nothing as impressive as any of the stuff at the new Manuplastics factory, that's for sure.